So remember how I mentioned we got 3 Pinocchio films last year?

Disney’s Pinocchio remake

Del Toros Pinocchio 

Pauly Shore Pinocchio 

Well today we’re gonna talk about Disney’s Pinocchio remake and oh good grief this film is painfully pointless like there’s no reason for it to exist like none at all….here’s the trailer enjoy I guess?

Ohh guys, where do I even begin with this film? Well for starters it is basically the exact same story as the original Disney Pinocchio animated movie….with some minor changes and pointless additions to this film…..when I say pointless I really mean pointless.. ..firstly where do I begin well uhh the jokes in this film suck….let me give yall an example….later on in the film Geppetto (played by Tom Hanks) tosses a piece of wood with a rope attached to it so Pinocchio can get out of the ocean and climb safely into his boat…..so he tosses it says grab on but the wood instead hits Pinocchio in head which then Geppetto Says…ans I wish I was kidding…gasps ohh no I just hit my boy made of wood with a piece of wood…….ha …ha…ha……are anyone of yall laughing at that punch line? Get it son made of wood with a piece of wood….if u ain’t laughing then oh boy are we in for a ride because the jokes didn’t get any better before that joke or after it…….anyways so uh u want something else that’s cringe? Well remember in the original Pinocchio how Geppetto had tons of clocks on his wall? Well in this film he has the same thing although this time the clocks are themed around past Disney films which the film and camera decides to focus up close on those for the audience to see…….lord, talking about one giant product placement just so Disney can be like heyyy look at our past films yeah go watch those…..sighhh, plz can someone right now end my existence so I don’t have to continue with tbis review? Anyways so uh same thing from the original film happens Geppetto makes a wooden puppet, pretends he’s his son and alive because he’s delusional…..and oh dear lord look at the CGI cat he has? That thing looks horrible…yeah so uh clearly the CGI in this film looks bad….I mean Geppetto picks up the cat, starts rubbing it but it just looks like his hand is slightly clipping through the cat and somehow looking like he’s petting air…..ok moving on plz, oh also this film hints at Geppetto had a son before and he died but this film never dives any deeper into that like at all…guess Disney doesn’t want to focus on u know a kids death….although that’s the whole thing with Geppetto he’s a grieving father who lost his son…anyways u know how the story goes….during the night a fairy comes in to make Pinocchio alive…btw the way Geppetto comes up with that name in this film feels forced…he litterally says what am I gonna name u….well I did make u out of pine….wait a min….Pine-Ochio….Pine-Ochio….Pine-Ochio Pine-Ochio heheheh Pinocchio….I’m sorry what? Thats just what huh? Moving on!!…anyways so the fairy brings him alive…..also Jiminy Cricket is there…..and uh why does his head look like a cabbage? No seriously plz go look at an image of Jiminy Cricket from this film his head looks like a cabbage…..ok now I can’t unsee that….anyways so he becomes Pinocchios Consciousness, blah blah blah….Geppetto wakes up the next day is happy he has a son….no sorry the proper reaction would be ahhhhhhh this is horrifying…not oh this is normal….so he sends him to school on his own idk why….great way to get lost and here’s where the film officially looses it even more for me….firstly this films morals are everywhere and yet nowhere at the same time…..so in the original film Pinocchio gets corned by a humanoid walking talking fox and a cat who swindle him into joining the circus, in the original film he was so golable he decides to join them but nahhh not here instead he got morals for some reason he actually listens to his Consciousness and goes to school….the only reason he goes to the circus is because once he gets to school he gets kicked out because a talking wooden boy is to much for the teacher…..righhht so in this world there’s a walking talking cat, and fox…. a talking sassy bird oh and a talking cricket but a talking moving wooden boy is just to much?…..oh how blasphemy a talking wooden boy….pffft that’s just to much I say, to much…..sighhh…….oh btw on the way to school he fins a pile of shite and sniffs gets onto the floor then starts to sniff it…..uhh i swear theres a message in that scene somewhere, i think Disney is just to dumb to realize they may havw put a metaphor that insults them in this film…….anyways so if ur wondering how the morlas get messed up and if u can’t tell this film 

 destroys the moral of the original story where the moral was don’t listen to strangers and give into Pure pressure…listen to ur consciousness…but thr morals in this film…is uhhh idk, I mean what else was he gonna do he had no other choice he tried going to school and they kicked him out…so uhhh idk, stop asking me questions……anyways here’s the next moral they butchered in this film……so when Pinocchio gets locked in a cage like in the original film…btw the reason for why he gets put in a cage in this film doesn’t make any sense, where in the original film Stromboli locked him in the cage because he wanted to leave the circus, but in this film uhh Pinocchio meets a girl who uses a wooden puppet to communicate with him…who btw is a new character, ans he has no thoughts of leaving no he’s in love….yet Stromboli locks him in the cage just cause….idk just cause, wouldn’t benefit Stromboli to use this girl to keep Pinocchio there permanently? Why am I putting to much thought in this film?….anyways so the way this film messes up the next moral is well so remember in the original film when he’s in the cage he starts lying his nose grows, then the blue fairy shows back up…shrinks his nose then saves him….but in this film the fairy doesn’t show up, instead he lies…his nose grows and Jiminy Cricket help motivates him to keep lying so his nose grows long enough to hit the wall to grab the pair of keys that’s on the wall….then once the key is on his nose he can start not lying to shrink his nose…..uhhhhhh I’m sorry what?…ok got it so the moral these idiots are trying to teach to kids is….hey lying is bad, unless it benefits u and gets u something out of it….what no!!…just no!! Lying is bad in general period…..there should be nothing that benefits u from it…also furthermore u shouldn’t be teaching kids this moral!!…Jesus lord….sighh so Pinocchio escapes…runs through an alleyway and out of nowhere a cart comes ridding by fast with a net and picks him up…where kids and an adult riding the cart are on…..there taking Pinocchio to pleasure island….ok sighhh this is the perfect place for me to now point what else they messed up……so in the original film the way pleasure island is portrayed is well a bunch of kids smoking cigarettes, drinking beer, destroying things …..being hectic and all that…..well not in this film, instead on pleasure island the kids are eating candy and drinking root beer……nah nah not beer but root beer, yet they still get punished, I feel the moral of the original film was if u a kid does something ur not supposed to will get punished….but Here it doesn’t make sense, they get punished anyways so uhh is Disney saying kids who eat candy and drink root beer is doomed to being punished…..yeah great morals ur teaching kids……anyways so yeah also Pinocchio doesn’t even want to be here btw he just seems disinterested……and yet he still gets punished by starting to be turned into a donkey…..which in the context of this film it doesn’t make any sense, as stated in the original film the reason it makes sense he started turning into a donkey just like the other kids is because they partaked in mischievous things…..while here in the remake Pinocchio seems to be unhappy with his surroundings, heck he barley drinks his root beer he just takes one sip…oh wow so mischievous he totally deserves to be turned into a donkey…..sighhh, Disney why are u screwing up the morals of the original film? It doesn’t make any sense….especially since yall made that film……why not just bring those morals Into this film instead of idk butchering the morals like yall are doing!!…..oh and having the kids drinking root beer instwad of beer ans havinf cansy instead of smoking really lessons the impact of the lesson the original film was saying……but nahh we cant havw kids bw amoking pr drinking on screen even though thats the wholw point of the mesaage in the dirst place, they shouldn’t be doing those things at all……ughhhh!!….anyways so Pinocchio escapes pleasure island, makes it back home…the bird tells them Geppetto isn’t home but he’s instead out at sea looking for Pinocchio….so they go to the ocean, and he asks the bird if she can lift them she says I can’t lift u ur to heavy but I can lift the cricket…..but next scene is of him holding on a rope with the bird pulling the rope like his water skiing….ah yes he wws to heavy to be picked up hut not heavy enough to be pulled….I don’t think that’s how physics work but ok sure…….anyways so he catches up with Geppetto then decides to narrate the entire film we just saw to Geppetto…..yippee …..ans Geppettos reaction is u did that all in 1 day?….yeah I agree with u there Geppetto huh? He did that all in one day….I call bullshite on this……anyways so then this giant sea creature comes out of the water….in the original it was a whale, In this film it’s some mutated big fish with tenticals and sharp teeth….idk, and Pinocchio decides to get into the water and push the boat but he starts pending fast that his legs start working like a boat jet…..wait wait….if u could have done that then why did u need a lift from the bird? Better yet why do u wanna become a real boy? That’s so boring……u can’t do those stuff if ur a human…anyways so the fish thing starts chasing them and then starts laughing like a villian…..oh boooyy…..firstly he wasn’t a villian to ever begin with he was just a whale who was chasing down these 2 because they ticked him off…..so the fact they make him laugh like a maniacal villian is just yuck….anyways moving on glad were almost done…so they land on an island, Geppetto dies and Pinocchio cries which brings Geppetto back to life…..uh huh, then they both walk off into the distance while Jiminy Cricket is narrating…..he saying some say he became a real boy….did he though or did he not? We will never know for sure….wait what do u mean we won’t know for sure….weren’t u there? Shouldn’t u know? Or did u just hippie hop back home after they landed on the island?….oh btw if u think that’s bad, in the distance we see a very minor glimpse of Pinocchio turning into a real boy out of frame keep in mind …. it is like they’re saying hey hey he’s becoming a real boy….or os he? this isn’t a memorable film nor is it an enjoyable film like at all, u have butchered the morals of the original story……and worse this film is just pointless….it’s pointless, God uh 0/10….don’t watch this its not worth yall 2 hours