Let’s kick things off with a few clips:

Oh joy this movie…where do I even start i hate this film on so many levels…ok let’s not poke around the bushes and let’s begin and ill tell u in the review why I hate this film..ok so the beginning of this film starts off with young Henry Turner trying to locate his father Will Turner….see he sneaks out in the middle of the night with an ankle chain…then he sneaks on a small boat and steers it to the middle of the ocean and then he tied the ankle chain around his ankle…then he jumps into the water and he starts sinking, but then he lands on the flying Dutchman…thats right for the first time we see the flying Dutchman submerged under water…so anyways the flying Dutchman comes out the water…and the ship is like a ghost ship…has no crew…but then Will Turner comes from out the corner and well lets just say he has barnacles growing on the side of his face and has some seaweed and Barnacles growing on his clothing…weird I thought u only start looking like a mutated fish creature if u don’t ferry souls to the next world…so does that mean Will Turner has not been doing his job?..uh eh…….so anyways his son Henry says i think I found a way to break ur curse…its the trident of  Poseidon….thats right ladies and gentlemen…the Mcguffin in this movie is Poseidon trident….whoop fracking doop…..so anyways….Will Turner hugs his son and says the trident can never be found…then Henry says,  I found u….awe how sweet…he just compared his father to a mystical trident that either exists or doesn’t….son of the year ladies and gentlemen…right so then Henry says if he finds Jack..maybe he can help him find the trident..but of course will says no to that and tries sending his son home but nope his son wants his dad to return home, then will says bye and the Dutchman must goes back underwater…how long was that scene? About 4 min long…ok yep I knew that seemed a bit rushed…also if ur hoping for Will Turner or Elizabeth Swan to appear more in this movie….news flash…they dont…Will Turner appears at the end of the film for a fracking almost 2 min then Elizabeth Swan appears for like 25 seconds…oh and they both appear in the end credits….hm lovely…so blah blah it’s been some years and Henry Turner is on a British ship…working among them….and they are heading into the devils triangle ( which i can only compare it to the Bermuda triangle) so anyways he tries to warn the captain…and the captain does not listen…instead just tosses Henry in a cell…how lovely…guess what ..they go into the triangle..and guess what..they get attacked by undead ghost Spaniards…thats right ladies and gentlemen our main villains of the day is ghost Spaniards…I mean I guess its a departure from the typical undead pirates…but still..no….just, no….also heres a confusing information….the ghost Spaniard leader ( captain Salazar) says they only attack and kill pirates…..yet in this scene there attacking and killing the British…and later on near the end of the film they attack a British ship…um …hm…I guess they attack the British because, they ain’t Spaniards?..IDK….so anyways the British crew get attacked…oh and get this captain Salazar in a small bit says he always leaves one man alive to tell the story, yet he killed everyone on that ship…except Henry Turner…except he wouldn’t know someone was down in the cells unless he had bumped into a bucket..which he does…so In other words…if he didn’t…he would not know he’s down there…so again he basically killed everyone on there…makes perfect sense…….so then captain Salazar and his men go downstairs…and we see that captain Salazar is played by Javier Bardem…u may recognize him from his role as a villain in the James Bond movie…skyfall…….and if ur wondering what type of deformation our villains have…well captain Salazar just has a gaping hole in the side of his face…notice how I say only….because majority of his men have it worse…some of them have no jaws…some have no eyes or forhead…heck some have no body…also some have gaping holes in the side of there bodies…also I forget to mention the skin color of these ghosts…its grey and black….lovely….so Salazar tells Henry Turner to tell Jack Sparrow if he can find him…to tell him that Salazar is coming for him…oh and another reason I hate this movie…with the first 3 movies we get the opening title in the first 20ish seconds..with the fourth movie its was after 2 and a half min but still thats fair..guess how long in this film till we get the titles…ok ill tell u…its 24 min into the film!….24 min….OK MOVIE WHAT ARE U DOING…no seriously I ask…because at that point I wouldn’t care about an opening title….24 min into the movie God dammit Disney…thats the most illogical place to put a opening title..so anyways we cut to day time and we see Mr Gibbs and some new pirates…and scrum, and…Marty!?…wait a minute..last we saw him was on the black pearl in episode 3…and news flash Jack hasn’t gotten the black pearl out of the bottle yet…movie plz make some sense…its like they retconed what happened in the past movies…and wasn’t scrum part of Barbossa crew in the end of last movie…anyways…so they do the most illogical thing.   They rob a bank by riding horses downtown while polling a giant concrete building behind then with 4 ropes……um I call bullshite…on this….first off 4 horses and 4 ropes ain’t gonna pull a building…let one a tall one….also second off this film ripped off a scene from one of the fast and furious movies…yeah.  see one of the fast and furious movies start with a bank robbery…which involves a person riding s car and dragging a safe behind the car with a chain…..congrats Disney u ripped off from a great film…..so anyways….sigh…I should get the main stupidity out of the way…Jack bumps into a girl in this scene named Carina…and she has a book and she’s trying to loon for her long lost father..and there a running gag in this film (if u can call it a gag) where people call her and witch because she’s a woman of science….if that doesn’t tickle u…I don’t know what will……sighhhhh….oh and throughout this film Jack Sparrow is useless…he is just drunk all the time and he gets his butt kicked by Salazar later on…also he just spouts out random words in this film. .like spaghetti wolf…yeah no kidding he says that later in the film……sigh..so after the robbery happens…they open the safe and nothing in it because guess what happened during the chase the vault opened and all the gold came flying out…blah blah his crew call Jack  useless and they leave him including Mr Gibbs…yeah thats right the guy who’s been loyal to him since day one..just all of a sudden abandons Jack Sparrow…yeah makes so much sense….great writing Disney…GREAT WRITING!….so blah blah…Jack goes to a bar covered in mud..and he has no money do he sells his compass for rum…and when he trades the compass…it somehow sets free captain Salazar and his men….so trading compass equals freeing ghosts…see apparently Salazar says the only way for him and his men and shop to escape is by Jack Sparrow trading his compass…ok but in the third movie he gave will his compass…heck he gave mr Gibbs his compass in the fourth movie…yet no freeing of ghosts happened….….must be magic….anyways…now Salazar wants to hunt down Jack….ok now i forget what happens next so I’ll skip ahead…Jack Sparrow gets arrested and is due to die…but before that…Henry Turner comes down to visit Jack and tells him Salazar is after him…also Henry tells Jack that he knew his dad Will Turner…and for some reason Jack calls Will Turner a Eunice…he still calls him a Eunice..that was a joke from the first movie….yet that joke makes no sense hear because if he’s a Eunice then there no way Henry Turner can be alive.  ..so yep…so next day Jack is being dragged out of his cell to his death..and he bumps into his uncle? Whos played by…Paul McCartney!?….the Frick….ok then ..yeah sure…he’s uncle is played by Paul McCartney….cool….so anyways….Jack is sentence to death in front of a big crowd and he’s asked how he wants to die…either by hanging or firing squad or new invention…guillotine…and Jack not knowing what that is says guillotine? Sounds French..and of course the British officer writes down that believing Jack confirmed he wants to die by that…so then Henry Turner and jacks men come to save him and carina because she is about to be hanged….so they escape…..also I forget to mention that earlier we see Barbossa on has ship with his crew…and we see Murtogg and Mullroy….wait what!?….last time they were on the black pearl in episode 3 and that ship sank with the men on it and the ships in the bottle,  yet the ships not out of the bottle yet…ok now ur pushing movie….so anyways they go warn Barbossa about Salazar…and Barbossa is back to wearing his British outfit from the fourth movie…why?…who the heck knows…so anyway he leaves his ship and goes consults with a witch…a real witch…..and she hands him Jack Sparrow compass….and no I have no idea how she got the compass….mainly because she doesn’t say how she did….so anyways next day and this was after Jack escapes with Henry Turner and Carina….and his men….same day captain Salazar is about to attack Barbossa ship…and when I say attack I mean Salazar ship the silent Mary….has an ability where the front of the ship can bend upwards and slam down onto a ship…think of it like a alligator opening there mouth and chomping down……then Barbossa says Salazar I hear ur looking for Jack Sparrow…..of course then Salazar and his men board Barbossa ship…and well the scene ends with Barbossa promising to take Salazar to Jack Sparrow……but Salazar gives Barbossa till sunrise……well actually Barbossa says I promise by sunrise u will have Jack Sparrow…..anyways we cut back to Jack Sparrow…and they have carina and Henry tied to a poll….and sigh….a terrible joke happens…….here ill play it out for u

Carina: I’m an astronomer

Scrum: ah, she breeds donkeys.

Carina: what? No, an astronomer contemplates the sky

Scrum: yeah, on a Donkey?

Carina: no there is no donkey

Marty: then,  how’d u breed them?

….what…..just why?…oh and don’t worry this joke comes back later….literally…Scrum says this later

Scrum: 2 things we know is true, the stars don’t shine by day. And she forgot the donkeys….

Again why…seriously I ask…did Disney think they hit comedy gold with that joke….also all the pirates in this movie are bumbling idiots…..weird I don’t remember mr Gibbs and Jack Sparrow being idiots, but at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if God shot a lightning bolt down onto Pompeii…while a bunch of a monkeys are playing a banjo….come to think about it, that would fit in this movie…I mean come on we already been retconing stuff from the original movies, and have been adding stupid stuff like dialog to this film….so anyways…its now night time and Jack Sparrow tries to give Henry some love advice…let’s just say it was bad advice….so then we cut to Barbossa…and its sunrise…so Salazar is about to kill Barbossa…but then he gets Salazar to tell him about his back story….so in the back story we find out he was a great feared leader and killed hundreds of pirates…but one day a young Jack Sparrow….was on a pirate ship….and as the captain of that ship died, he gives Jack Sparrow the compass…hmm…strange, I remember that Tia Dalma told Jack in the second film that he got the compass from her…and not a dying captain…ok seriously did whomever write the script for this movie even watch the first 4?…so anyways Jack takes charge of the ship and he out maneuvers Salazar…and Salazar ship crashes into the triangle…so now we know why he hates Jack…then we get a pointless scene….so now sense Jack saved the crews life…they give him his iconic hat and the beeds in his hair….so basically pointless information,  like seriously who asked to know how Jack got the beeds thats in his hair…its the equivalent in solo a star wars story how we find out that Han got his last name Solo, from an imperial officer…because he is a lone and doesn’t have family…..Disney ladies and gentlemen…the company to give us pointless and unnecessary information…..so anyways then after his story…they find Jack
…and Jack and carina and Henry are on a small boat….because Jack declared mutiny because his men was about to kill them…..lovely…..oh and BTW carina is dumb….she says she doesn’t belive in supernatural ghost stuff…and thats she’s a woman of science…odd coming from the person that believes and is searching for a mystical magical trident that may or may not exist….yeah makes so much sense..…Jesus lord movie…so then Salazar seeds his army of undead sharks…wait what!?…ok cool concept but is this movie seriously telling me there carrying around dead sharks in their ship…..ew….so anyways Jack and Henry and carina get to land and the ghosts and Salazar catch up and now carina believes in ghosts…oh and guess what the ghost can’t step on land or else they vaporize….hm idk does this sound familiar….a villain that can’t go on land…hm it sounds familiar but I can’t put my finger on it…….if ur wondering how they caught up to them…the ghosts ran on water…yep that’s right..well I mean i guess since this series had fish people and skeleton people walking under water, it was  inevitable that they would add ghosts running on water….so anyways one of the ghosts try stepping on land and the ghosts vaporizes….lovely….do then Jack Sparrow and Henry go chase after carina….they do fall into a trap and they wake up and Jack wakes up to a crowed of people and a old pirate he knew that wants him to pay his debt . So he is gonna pay his debt by marrying his sister,  that Jack Sparrow has no interest in dating…because this movie goes out of its way to make the woman look ugly.. how lovely….also…skip!!….so then Barbossa and his men come on land and reunite with Jack…….Barbossa opens up the bottle by stabbing it with the cutlass….and they toss the pearl into the ocean and it goes back to normal size….lovely….so anyways Barbossa ties Jack up to a poll on the ship…just so he can take over the ship…lovely,  were back to that pointless bantering on who’s captain or not captain of the black pearl…u would think after a few years they would steer away from that…but apparently not…oh well ..also now he has his pet monkey Jack….lovely…..he’s been in all of them, minus the fourth film…..so besides that Jack and Barbossa talk and we find out that …get this…spoiler alert….carina is Barbossa long lost daughter…dun dun dunnnnn….well she ain’t long lost…he put her into a orphanage…because he didn’t think he be a good father….I mean true ..at least he did whatever last resemblance of decency he has.  But also Barbossa having a daughter….eh…fine whatever I just want to be done with this film…. no she has no idea he is her father…nor will he tell her….so then the British catch up to them and as soon as they were gonna to attack….the silent Mary comes out of nowhere and chomps down on the ship…..again I thought he only kills pirates… sigh…so anyways an epic battle happens…I say epic very loosely….so while Barbossa and his men fight against Salazars men….Jack is well trying to run away from Salazar….lovely….oh and he gets onto the silent Mary by jumping across the cannons that are sticking out on the side of his ship and Salazar ship….then something dumb happens….the mermaid statue infront of the silent Mary comes to life….ok movie!!…now ur pushing it…this is to bizarre and illogical for this series……so anyways it tries to attack jack…but Jack gets into the silent Mary and Salazar attacks Jack and knocks him onto the floor..how lovely…so anyways he was about to kill Jack…but then Jack says land…and Salazar looks behind him and sees land …now he panics a bit and Jack jumps back onto his own ship….while Salazar men jump back onto the silent Mary..so they can steer there ship away from land….then Salazar jumps onto the black pearl and takes Henry Turner as hostage and jumps back onto the silent Mary with Henry Turner…so then Jack and carina and Barbossa go onto land…and fine a red crystal in the floor and a missing piece…turns out the red gem on her book is the missing piece…so she pits it in and …sigh…the ocean opens up ……and they go into the ocean…just just…I I give up…then well meanwhile on silent Mary…Salazar possess Henry Turner…lovely…and now our main characters  carina and Jack go into the ocean and find the trident….cool….awesome,  wow…pfff. ..and Salazar Henry is there and Salazar grabs a hold of the trident and leaves Henry’s body… then he uses to the trident to beat up Jack Sparrow…because thats all he can do in this film…be drunk and get his butt handed to him…and during this carina is trying to wake up Henry…while Salazar men are inside the ocean….see the ocean split open but his men are standing at the bottom of the ocean in the water part…BTW does this mean they have control over if they stand on water or if they go under…I’m confused…and carina looks at them and says piss off…and somehow they get offended….yeah these undead Spaniards got offended by a human woman saying piss off to them….….sighhhh……anyways while Jack is dealing with Salazar….Henry wakes up and carina and him come up with breaking the trident will lift every curse of the sea. .so he runs up and breaks the trident with his sword…and well then Salazar and his men become human again…great….so now we see a anchor hanging down with Barbossa on it…and Jack Sparrow and Henry and carina jump onto it while Salazar and his men run to it…Salazar and a few of his men make it onto his anchor..while he leaves behind his right hand man and the rest of his men….wow…what a prick….so now all of them are climbing up…and carina falls down a bit but Barbossa grabs her…and she sees a tattoo on his arm thats the same shape as the one on her book cover…..and she asks him what am I to u..and he says treasure…bull…sh*te, u just met her 10 min ago…..so anyways Jack tosses Barbossa a sword and Barbossa jumps down and stabs Salazar in the back and Salazar and his men including Barbossa fall down into the ocean to there death…hurray what is this the second time Barbossa died.  Can’t wait for them to revive him in the next movie…oh wait nevermind the next one will be a reboot I forgot….so anyway they make it back on ship, they take a moment to remember Hector…and now carina has declared herself as Barbossa….well thats nice…bur carina Barbossa does not have a certain ring to it if u ask me…..so anyways she goes on land with Henry Turner…while waiting for his dad…and they see the Dutchman coming up and will Turner is now in front of him all un cursed and back to normal….cool…but does that mean the trident put his heart back into his body…because I highly doubt it… so anyways they both hug…and Elizabeth Swan comes and runs to will and hugs will ..wow…so she hasn’t seen her son in a long while and she does not hug him…not even one single hey I missed u son…best mom of the year am I right…Jesus lord..so anyway Jack is in charge of the black pearl…and now Murtogg and Mullroy are apart of his crew.  I don’t even know why…then Jack tries being clever…mr Gibbs says where should we go next..while he is looking at a map…and Jack says we should follow the stars.    Don’t be clever Jack Sparrow…its to late for that…u had ur chance to be clever in this movie…in fact u all did…so the end thank then lor-…oh wait no there is an end credit scene ..ok let’s see what it shows ..it shows will Turner and Elizabeth Swan asleep in bed and there door opens and we see a shadow of Davy Jones walking in to his-.  Are u kidding me movie!!…no no no no…just no!!…u do not do that…don’t even tease at Davy Jones return…because he died…Jesus lord this is the emperor all over again….I can’t believe Disney had the audacity to do this!….grrrrrr….so anyways Will wakes up and we think its all a dream and he goes back to sleep but we see the floor and we see a pile of water and some barnacles….….finally over..thanks the lord…my God where do I start ….I hate this film…its so dumb…this movie has singlehandedly retconed almost everything in the first 3…I have no idea how that’s possible…then again fantastic beasts 2 did the exact same thing by retconing the Harry Potter books and movies….just this film is frustrating…I give this film a 2/10….skip it…this ain’t worth the watch…and as my old pal Jack Sparrow says…drink up me heartie yo ho….