A Minecraft Movie: Let’s start by showing y’all the trailers shall we?

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Yeah uh where do I begin, well firstly if we’re going off the trailers then idk what the heck any of this is! Yes, it’s titled Minecraft. But calling this Minecraft should be a crime. Ain’t nothing about this screams Minecraft.

Also, this film is made by the same guy who made Nacho Libre, yes that film. This is an insult because that film is a masterpiece.

Also, I’m getting sick and tired of this whole generic storytelling for video game Adaptations. Where our main characters get teleported into a game world, it happened in.

Jumanji

Sonic The Hedgehog (except it’s Sonic entering the human world and it’s done better there)

The Super Mario Film

And now A Minecraft Movie

Can we stop with this trope plz?

So to give a bit of context to this we get to look way back when this film was in development and discussion for almost a decade.

Yeah took that long, now why did they pick live-action over animation? The director said they wanted to do something different. Ok, that’s fair, I’ll give them props for that.

In some emotional news, the film does pay tribute to a Minecraft YouTuber who passed away, his name was Technoblade.

I don’t know who he is, I didn’t watch his channel but from what I looked up, he was a popular YouTuber in the Minecraft community, he had a long battle with a cancer called metastatic sarcoma. Every attempt failed and in June 2022 he passed away.

What a sad way to go, and this film pays tribute to him so I’ll make sure to keep my eye open to see if this film pays tribute to him respectfully or distastefully, so what’s even the plot rundown?

Well as a kid, Steve yearned for the mines. Yes, that’s a line in this film “I yearned for the mines” ok I can tell we’re gonna be here for a long time.

So Steve decides to go become a miner when he’s an adult whos now played by Jack Black, because he’s bored with his life, in the mines he finds a blue cube with another cube and puts the cube in the other cube which opens up a portal to the Minecraft overworld.

Wanna know where he finds both cubes? 1 of them is slightly hidden behind a thin wall of rock wall on the left side and the other cube is hidden slightly behind a thin wall of rock wall on the right side, fantastic.

Also in the beginning when we see a montage of him in the overworld, we see him dancing! With Minecraft music in the background dancing with him, the fudge is this acid dream?

Eventually our 4 new main characters

Jason Momoa (as Garett Garrison) (who’s this washed-up retro 80s gamer dude) (his name is garbage man because it’s of a game he was a master at)

Emma Myers (as Natalie) (who’s the older sister to Henry and a kinda mother figure since their parents died) (well mother died, father never gets brought up, weird)

Side note I truly believe half the script is just nonsense, this isn’t a dialog that is said in this film but this is Essentially what’s happening.

“Hey Henry I know our mom being dead is sad and all, but have a good day at school plz take this tater tot pie I made for u, and look I might be 15, heck I definitely look like I’m 15 but u go to school while I go to my job at a potato factory where I’m the spokesperson on social media for them”

Yeah do me a favor and try reading that with a straight face! And try telling me this doesn’t just seem like a bunch of mumbo jumbo.

Sebastian Eugene Hansen (as Henry) (Natalie’s younger brother who yearns for creativity but is picked on for it)

Danielle Brooks (as Dawn) (both Natalie’s and Henry’s agent who gives them the keys to the house that once Steve lived at)

So one bad day at school for Henry, his principal Jennifer Coolidge (as Vice Principal Marlene) (who’s a single lady after her break up)

Tells Henry to go home because I guess He’s expelled? He calls Mamoa up to come for 24 dollars to pick him up and pretend hes his uncle, ok cool.

On a side note the kids at the school make fun of Henry for his jet pack he made at school that worked for 10 seconds and flew off course into that giant potato factory, why are they making fun of him for that?

I guess because jet packs and creativity are boring? How dare u? Idk I’m fumbling here to find logic.

Anyways Henry finds this blue cube that’s in Jason Momoa’s shop, and this leads them to a mine where Natalie and Dawn follow them into the mine where they see a portal and get sucked in.

To the Minecraft overworld and oh dear lord everything looks terrible, just this realistic texture to this blocky world, also some if not most the jokes are abysmal.

But then this evil villain who I forget her name, but she’s a Piglin queen from the Nether world. She wants to destroy everything creative, so she sends her prisoner Steve to go retrieve the orb or cube, whatever. And what’s her goal? She wants to mine gold, why? Idk.

Also why she so evil? It’s because she use to want to be a dancer and danced at Nether Got Talent, yes Nether Got Talent, ha……..ha………ha, anyways she gets laughed at and now decided creative is bad, oh boy.

For the return of his best friend dog named Dennis, psssst she doesn’t have Dennis. He escaped through the portal and entered the human realm to keep the cube safe under a water bed.

Heck there’s a gag where in the first 10 minutes of the film we get narration by Steve and he says his dog put the cub under his water bed, and as soon as A Minecraft movie title appeared, we hear Jack Black say “No wait, under the water bed is a bad idea!” Oh ha ha.

Oh, when are our 4 main heroes? Meet Steve when they are being attacked by zombies, the song Lil Boo Thang starts playing.

Yeah that song from TikTok, don’t worry this will only outdate the film in like a year max. Yeah if u wanted any proof this film is bad, well hope that was enough proof.

Here are clips so y’all can see what this film is like.

Butt-chuckets! Oh, good grief.

Also, there’s a subplot where a villager named Nitwit enters the human world and gets run over by Jennifer Coolidge (Vice Principal Marlene) then goes on a date with her, say what now?

Yeah sure why not, because I guess at this point we weren’t stupid enough clearly, anyways will the gang make it back to the overworld? (BTW they can’t because they accidentally destroyed the glass cube that has the blue cube enter it for the portal to work) (so now they have to go to the woodland mansion to get another one).

Will the evil Piglins get defeated? Will Nitwit fall in love with Jennifer Coolidge? That’s just all sorts of wrong and I feel weird saying that, all will be revealed in the spoilers.

Not like anyone cares, anyways if u don’t think the humor in this movie can be that bad, then let me introduce u to a line that Jack Black says near the start of the 3rd act “First we mine, then we craft. Let’s Minecraft “

(Groaaaaaan) yeah, that’s a line said in the film, let’s Minecraft! Also, the film has a pigling say “I’m gonna unalive u”.

No that’s not me censoring the word death, that’s an actual sentence they say in this film, unalive! Yeah, they took inspiration from TikTok!

In some positive news, DanTDM does appear in this film as a random person in the background, and Jeb does appear in this film as a waiter at the date part of the film.

Also, remember how I said this film pays respect to that YouTuber who passed away? Well, the way they do that is to have a Minecraft pig walk across the screen wearing a crown.

I guess that’s respectful. Anyway, let’s get the rating out of the way.

Overall, oh jeepers yeah no this film Is terrible. Let’s break down the main issues.

Firstly, the film feels like an SNL skit, I still stick to that opinion even after watching the film.

Secondly, the corporation truly believes they understand what the youth wants, to the point they put Lil Boo Thang in this film and the word Unalive!

Thirdly, the comedy is bad if not cringe.

Fourthly, Jack Black plays his role as he does with any other role, as himself which gets annoying. With his over-the-top mannerisms with every line he says.

Fifthly, the film seems to be confused about who the main character is. I dare u to try telling me who the main character is within the first 20-ish min of the film.

Six, the film feels like a generic kid’s film with all the tropes, and I do mean all the tropes.

Seventhly, seems they only hired Danielle Brooks so they can just check the mark off the board because her character amounts to nothing. There’s no character depth or anything to her, she’s just there along with Emma Myers unfortunately, what a waste of 2 good actors.

Eighthly, the film has tons of butt jokes for some reason, to give y’all an idea when the characters are gliding away from Piglins and Ghasts, Jack Black grabs onto Momoa’s butt while he’s holding on to him, uh huh.

To add on to that uncomfortable scene we get dialog such as this, keep in mind this is while they are both flying towards a small circular opening in a wall so they can fly through it.

“Let my hips guide u, it’s the only way”

“You need to tighten up because there’s some negative space back there and u need to tighten it up”

“I’m gonna squeeze past ur safety”

Or my favorite, Jason Momoa saying he’s “Making a man sandwich” Well It’s official, I now want to go gouge my eyes out and go sit in a shower and cry myself to sleep, all that just felt disgusting type out.

Ninthly, Jack Black’s Steve is Essentially a walking encyclopedia. In every scene he’s in, he’s just there to be an exposition dump,

“Chicken Jockey!”

“This is a crafting table”

This is a creeper”

“This is a Redstone”

“This is an enderman”

“I am Steve”

Yeah just imagine all that with Jack Black’s mannerisms. This isn’t Steve, this is Jack Black playing himself.

Steve is a quiet main character in a vacant world, yet he’s being played by the loudest actor known! Jeepers if that’s not tone-deff type of casting then idk what would be.

Also, his acting just comes off as uncomfortably cringe in this film, what a shocker.

I’ll say this the film never takes itself seriously, I mean one of the bad guy’s henchmen is named Big Chungus, Big Chungus!

When he gets killed off by his boss, he dies saying “Wait does that mean I’m fired” Sighhh, yeah comedy.

Tenthly, the cast feels wasted, I mean for instance we have Emma Myers from the Wednesday show. The film tries to allude to her having to take on a parenting role for her brother.

But the film outs that for her just constantly saying in this film,

“Where’s Henry!”

“I’m scared ah!”

“What is that!”

Also, their subplot involves them bumping into an aggressive wolf and bones in front of them, which they use to tame the wolf, btw This happens 2wice in the film. Both times a bone is in front of the characters as if that’s convenient.

Hey, doggo eat the bone that’s conveniently in front of us, also the doggo turns out to be Dennis the dog, so no I don’t understand why he was being aggressive like an untamed wolf.

And I already talked about Danielle Brooks, she feels like she’s here so the corporations can say hey look we’re diverse.

Then do nothing else with her, this either comes off as racist, or sexist, or both. Let’s just say both, because both female characters are underutilized and vaguely there.

Oh but furthermore this film just doesn’t feel like a Minecraft Movie, it barely feels like Minecraft. There’s just no creativity, feels like a generic corporate kids’ film.

Down to the point, there’s a scene where Jack Black says “I placed traps here but for the life of me I can’t remember where I placed them” Then instantly Jason Momoa steps on a trap, wow have we seen this before?

How creative! Also, there’s a fake-out death scene revolving around Jason Momoa’s character, again where we heard this before.

In this film, their team creates, a tater tot launcher, a Butt-chuckets, and an iron golem using boots of swiftness as the head.

No those aren’t things in the game.

Come to think of it none of the girl characters have anything to do in this film, they are sidelined, just why?

One last thing the puns are just terrible in this film I mean we have

Big Chungus

Nether Got Talent

Yeah funny? Also, there’s some very forced conflict where Jason Momoa says to Emma Myers “I’m a better sister than u ever be” Eh huh?

Also, Henry is mad at his sister because she says to Dawn that she’s a bit mad that Henry blew up the Potatoe mascot sign at the Potatoe factory she worked at, which yeah he did do that so uh eh?

Also, Henry gets mad at Momoa’s character because he wants to take a slight Detour to get some diamonds because he’s broke, wow I feel so bad Henry. How dare u Mamoa for ur selfishness, sighh.

Also, the mobs in this game fall somewhere in the uncanny valley. There are 3 positives I will give this film.

1. The animation even though uncanny, does look gorgeous.

Also yes the mobs look extremely uncanny, the zombies for some reason have fingers, no don’t ask me why.

2. I do like that every time a character falls it survives in its creative mode and they kinda ragdoll on the floor.

3. The film is a little bit more bit more violent than I expected, for instance when Jack Black saves our 4 characters from the zombies, Jack Black rips the arm off the zombie and beats the zombie with its arm, yikes.

Also, some scenes will have the zombies on the floor twisting their limbs to get back up and twisting their heads back into place, eh.

Also here’s the full soundtrack.

So overall the Minecraft movie is a mess of a film that is dangling on a paper-thin plot, if there’s even a plot to look for here. And unfortunately, the film is hindered back by its lack of creativity and the horrifying CGI, which is funny since this is adopting Minecraft! The game where ur supposed to be creative.

Also, the film underutilized its own cast, sidelining 2 of them in the middle act so it can focus on 3 lonely bros, take that as u will.

About the only thing that saves this film is Jason Momoa, he feels the least cringy, plus he’s entertaining to watch. Granted that’s not saying much, when his one shtick of speaking Spanish poorly starts to get annoying very quickly.

Congratulations movie, idk what u were expecting to accomplish but I sure as heck don’t think this film is gonna make newcomers wanna to play Minecraft, might make them question this game.

I feel u as an adult will be sitting there questioning why the heck are watching this film.

So I’ll give A Minecraft Movie a solid 2/10, warning spoilers ahead y’all been warned ⚠️.
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Time to spoil the 3rd act, like anyone cares. So come the third act the villain gets the cube and injects it into a hovering cube holder that’s hovering over a Nether portal, this opens up the Nether and more of her men come out to take over the overwold.

The sky turns to nighttime, uh oh mobs can now come out. Anyways the day is saved when Jason comes driving in on a ghast with wood tied to it and he has Henry poke the ghats ass with a Spear to have it spit out fire.

Sighhhhhh, anyways they destroy the portal, the cube falls into Emma Myer’s hand, and the Piglins turn into zombie Piglins.

The evil queen tries to get Jack Black who’s dressed in diamond armor to come up to her so she can tell him something, she takes a dagger out and he pushes it away.

I chuckled at that, she tells him to come back so he does so and she tries to stab him again and he shoves the knife out of her hand and the third time this happens, yeah I get it can we move on now?

So the gang heads home and they invite Jack Black with them, Jack sends Dennis away with Dawn, and Jack decides to join them after singing an emotional song about Dennis.

Also, why would Jack Black join them back into the human world? At no point is this built upon or hinted at, maybe would benefit the film if there were some scenes of him doubting being in the Minecraft world and wanting to return to the real world.

Except that would make too much sense, we can’t have sense and nuance in a Minecraft Movie!

So Myers gets a new job as training women to defend themselves, Henry and Momoa make a Minecraft-inspired game and become popular, Jack Black and Mamoa are rocking it out on stage and everyone is happy.

Then end credits role we see that stupid villager with that Vice Principal in her office, her ex-husband comes in, and says oh ur dating this guy, turns out the ex-husband is the science teacher we saw in the beginning.

Then the villager speaks out in clear English and is now voiced by Matt Berry! Because he’s everywhere I guess, and he says essentially reality has warped to now where I speak human and Vice Principal Marlene speaks villager.

Say what now? He then asks her If she’d wanna marry him. Seriously after only 1 night? Uh-huh. She says yes, of course, Ughhhh. But then we get one more stinger where we see Jack Black walk up to his old house.

When a random ginger-haired woman answers the door, she asks if he’s here about the chest in the attack, and he says yes. She invites him in and she says my name is Alex.

Get the Fuck out of here movie, I’m done with u!

So what’s the message of this film? Well I mean our main characters go back to the human world at the end, including Steve himself even though he loved it there.

So is the moral of the story, is to stop playing the game and go live life? If that’s the case this is a weird message for a game adaptation to have.

Well at the end of the day this film feels like one giant April Fool’s joke, can we pretend that’s what this is? Moral of the story, April Fool’s!

Yeah, that’s all I have to say about this film, I genuinely hope some of y’all enjoyed this film because I sure as heck didn’t. Anyway hope y’all enjoyed this film, until next time.