Artemis Fowl: Let’s start off with the trailers shall we? So we can get this film out of the way….

Uh huh sure, words greatest mastermind? Sure kid calm down….lolo, unfortunately, he ain’t no mastermind because Disney has butchered this once beloved book series…so yeah to catch yall up on something quickly in the books Artemis Fowl is an unlikable prick of a child who is a mastermind….who we the audience root for and hates a lot…but this film tames down everything that made the books so special…now personally myself I’ve never read the books but I can tell when they’ve ruined the source material…and this is not faithful I can tell u that much…so without further a due let’s get into the review shall we?

Also yes I know I’m only 5 years late to this one, sue me.

Oh and of course this film gets a 1/10, don’t watch it. Anyways spoilers ahead y’all been warned.

But first, let’s get the rating out of the way so we can get into spoilers, this film gets a 2/10 anyway spoilers ahead yall been warned

So in this abysmal movie, we have our main character named Artemis Fowl and his father played by Collin Ferrell (no I don’t remember the father’s name so we’re just gonna call him Collin Ferrell)…..so anyways Collin Ferrell’s helicopter is about to be there to pick him up so he tries informing his son……which his son looks like he has no emotion on his face…I mean he just comes off as a robot….

“Just tell me when ur leaving”

Just tell me when ur leaving…..does not compute pute, pute, pute…..

Anyways so uh

Dad gets captured by a mysterious black hood figure, who’s this mysterious black hood figure? Glad u asked because we never find out.

Artemis Butler (not Butler) shows him his dad’s secret inventory of gadgets, he’s dad has been living a secret life this entire time. Anyways moving on all while this happens there’s this secret underworld town of mythical creatures. Which has these cops called the LEPRecon

Yes LEPEECON! Elfs that are called LEPRECONS!!! Also, their boss is played by Judi Dench, and she has the voice of someone who smoked a pack per day. Also the attitude of giving 2 shites and only there for the paycheck.

Speaking of I am sorry for getting ahead, actually no I’m not sorry I’m gonna use this moment to rush the cliff notes. When Holy Short played by Lara McDonnell goes up to the human world.

She gets caught and captured by Artemis, and he takes her back home and locks her in a cage, the LEPRecons show up and surround the house along with Judi Dench and this criminal LEPRecon who was locked up but now he’s free somehow.

When Judi Dench shows up and comes out of her ship, she’s standing there looking bored and says the most atrocious line I’ve ever heard, mainly because of the way she says it plus with her voice, she says “Top of the morning” yep top of the morning.

U know that Irish stereotype? Yep, they got Judi Dench to say that, sighhhhh. And she gave 2 shites which I don’t blame her.

Oh btw if ur wondering does this movie go explore anywhere else besides this house? Uh no, this is Essentially Home Alone the Mystical LEPRecon addition.

Oh they get the help of this dwarf who looks like a smaller Hagrid, named Mulch Diggums (played by Josh Gad) and I wish I was kidding when I say this. His special ability is to unhinge his jaw and extend it so he can eat dirt like hes a drill.

All the while farting out the dirt from his Ass, I swear there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. I think it’s this film is A$$.

So what are the LEPRecons after besides Holy Short? This mythical acorn. What does this acorn do? Don’t ask me, ask the scriptwriters. But u won’t be getting any answers, because they refused to give answers.

Anyways so the way this film ends is kinda anti climatic, eventually Artemis and Butler decide to give over Holy Short and the Acron to the LEPRecons because she saves Butlers life when he almost dies after being attacked earlier by a troll that the LEPRecons sent inside.

Seriously how big is this house? Also Artemis Fowl worlds greatest criminal mastermind? I don’t think so, he’s anything but a criminal in this film.

He’s portrayed as a good guy, I can see why fans hated this film. Also they use the acorn to teleport Artemis father back, so yay happy ending I guess?

Also guess we’ll never find out who that hooded figure was. Oh and Holy Short gets promoted and the permission to go find her father, yep her father is missing.

Wow I so care, no wait I don’t because we got zero attachment to this story arc. Anyways the end, can’t wait for the sequel that will never happen.

And that was Artemis Fowl, the world’s cleverest mastermind I think? Anyway the end overall I hope u enjoyed this film, I got multiple reviews soon to come, till then.