Salems Lot 2024: Let’s first start with showing y’all the trailers shall we?

Sorry, my bad, trailer I meant. Anyway, so I wanna get this out of the way before we get the rating out of the way…..I’ve never seen the original Salems Lot miniseries….nor have I read the book.

Yes gasp all u want but I’m telling the truth. But today we’re here reviewing a 2024 adaptation of a classic Stephen King book called Salems Lot. Also, this film went straight to Max for some reason instead of theatres.

Also, I’ll be reviewing this movie not as a book fan (because I’m not) or a lover of the original Salems Lot (because I’ve never watched it). So I’ll be reviewing this film as a film in it’s own self, does it stand up, can it stand on its own. But mainly is the film enjoyable.

So this film went under the radar for some people…..I can understand how. Especially when this movie only had 1 trailer to promote it, so now let’s get into the rating then we can dive into spoilers….oh btw this film is 1 hour and 54.

Also in case some y’all didn’t know, this film is about vampires. Yeah, I didn’t even know that, I couldn’t tell that from the trailer. Either I’m inept or wasn’t paying attention.

Some people thought this was gonna be a bad thing since this book is apparently very big….which is why the miniseries was the perfect length. But hey I never watched the original miniseries.

So overall, I mean me personally I did have fun watching this film. It’s the perfect film to watch during spooktober, but I can’t stress enough this is far from a perfect film…

Even though I enjoyed the film, I really loved the spooky vibes, but it still ain’t perfect. But I will give this film credit….this film doesn’t rely on jump scares, the film relies on these camera shots that pans to a different area but before we, the audience can process what they see (which sometimes is something eerie sticking out of the corner).

The camera will be focusing on a different area….the cinematography in this film is gorgeous in my opinion. The actors did a good job with what they were given. But overall yeah not exactly the best. But it ain’t the worst either. I’d put it smack dab in the middle of it’s a decent fun film.

Now a small nitpick, not really an issue or anything…but the lighting in this film is weird, the director uses a lot of dark green, dark blue, and orange lighting….as if the town is some kinda spooky town 24/7……it’s almost fitting a vampire comes into town, it’s like this town asked for it.

Also, the pacing in this film is off, since this film clocks in at 1 hour and 54 min, plus there are like what 10 main characters (including baddies), this film cuts corners such as any tension or buildup to tension. Or emotions and just keeps continuing on as if the director was like hurry hurry people, we only have 1 hour and 54 min we don’t have time to stop and show emotions.

Btw if any y’all wondering what kinda of vampires we have in this film, do we got the dumb vampires? Or the smart vampires? Are they creepy? Or are they hot? Well luckily they are creepy, as for if they are dumb or smart….it seems in this film they are somehow both but also not completely smart either…

So ehhhh, I guess. Also, everyone in this city just knows what a vampire is, they read books on vampire lore…..I swear Barlow picked the wrong town to possess.

Also, the ending is freaking anticlimactic as all hell…..don’t believe me? Well stick around for the spoilers and u can witness how much of a meh ending that was.

From what I’ve heard this film was supposed to be 3 hours long but Warner Brothers executives demanded that to be cut down to 1 hour and 54 min, why? Idk….but yet they’re allowed IT Chapter 2 to be nearly 3 hours long? Seriously?

It would explain a lot because multiple scenes in this film just end and move onto a completely different scene, when’s WB gonna learn? Also get this…..this isn’t the first time they’ve done this, they’ve demanded cutting down hours in previous Salems Lot adaptations.

And here I thought Disney makes the dumb decisions. Plz WB learn from ur mistakes and stop being whatever the hell this is ur being.

I swear this film would have benefited from being like 20ish extra minutes longer. Or as we found out it would have benefited from an extra 1 hour and 6 minutes.

Also, last negative, this film has way too much exposition. Almost every character in this film is just there to do exposition dumping.

As stated I do recommend watching this film at least once, but if u read the book then uh stay as far away from this film. It might piss u off.

I could see myself perhaps getting this film and watching it every Halloween. As stated it is the perfect film to watch during spooktober 🎃. So overall I’ll give this film a solid 6.2/10, warning spoilers ahead y’all been warned.

So this film opens up in like the 1970s, with this guy named Richard Straker (played by Pilou Asbæk) asking a guy at an Antique store to take a very heavy ancient box down to his basement….but be careful to not break the box or drop it because it’s heavy….hmmmm wonder what’s inside it, anyways the 2 men take the box down to the basement that night.

They accidentally dropped it a bit in the basement which caused a Crack in the box which they thought was a wardrobe…..but turns out it has dirt inside, now why would a wardrobe have dirt inside hmmmmm?

Anyway, they run off before anything happens (btw spoilers it’s a vampire in that box, that was a coffin) and Straker is like the Renfield to Count Dracula….

Anyway, the film officially starts when our main character Ben Mears (played by Lewis Pullman) who’s a book author, has returned to the town of Jerusalem Lot, which is located in Derry Maine…

Now why is Stephen King so obsessed with Dairy Maine is beyond me….almost every single one of his books/movie adaptations takes place in Derry Maine…..these films/books make me think yeah u know what why would anyone in their right mind wanna live on Derry Maine?

According to the universe Stephen King has set up, this is all the stuff that’s happened in Derry Maine.

A shape shifting alien that eats kids and takes the form of their fears exist.

Aliens came down to earth along with aliens that come out of people’s Anuses.

An actual cemetery that can bring animals and humans back to life, but with no soul…because there soul now belongs to the Wendigo, the freaking Wendigo exists in Maine as well!

Vampires exist obviously.

Jesus Christ, Derry Maine has got to be one of the most cursed fictional/non-fictional places I’ve ever heard of….who in their right mind would wanna live there?

Anyways, he has returned so he can get some inspiration for his writing because turns out he has nothing to write. He’s got writer’s block.

On a side note, why does every main character in a Stephen King story written to be a famous writer, who has issues with writing? Is he really self-inserting himself in his own stories? That’s funny if that’s the case.

Also while we see him drive to his destination to rent out a house to stay in, for the time being, we get treated to this song which I find catchy.

It’s called Sundown, by Gordon Lightfoot.

Anyway, he goes to this building where he asks for a house to rent, there’s this woman named Susan (played by Makenzie Leigh) who is at the front desk reading one of his books…she says he looks familiar, and he says how u enjoying that book? Which she says I’m at the point where I decide if I am gonna continue this book or not….

Oooffff, the funny thing is his face is on the back of the book and she doesn’t recognize him, anyways her boss comes out and welcomes him. He tells him there’s no house to rent….our main character asks about the creepy house on the mountain (yep that cliche).

She asks why’s he asking. Which he says I used to live here….which she says maybe that’s why I know u, good grief she’s oblivious.

Anyways Susan looks at her book and then looks back at him, she puts 2 and 2 together. Yeah finally, she turns around from making coffee and says to him Eva Miller has a couple of rooms open. She’s over on Railroad street…

Which Ben Mears says Eva Miller, Railroad got it….then as he makes it to the door he says “Enjoy ur book”

Her boss walks away and says yeah that went great Susan…..she then goes and sits down, Flips the book over, and realizes that guy was the author of the book she was reading….which she also told him straight to his face idk if I will continue or not….so she says to herself good going Suz, then she smacks her head on the table.

Yeah no kidding, good job. So later on she finds him at a library doing research on a computer……the librarian tells Susan and her mother that he’s doing research on a car accident that happened many years ago. When people died in the crash, turns out it was his parents who died in the crash.

BTW before we get any further so I don’t type out too long, here are the important Bulletins.

• we get introduced to some kids at school, 3 of which are important. These 3 kids named

Mark Petrie.

Ralph.

Danny.

Anyway, this school is run by 3 bullies…..yeah none of the teachers try getting involved, wow how useful they are. For instance the bulky comes up and punches Mark, so Mark gets on top of him and twists his arm, and tells him to say Uncle…

None of the teachers run outside and stop this from happening…wow they are adults and they can’t stop kids….what useful adults they are, they are acting like shite I don’t want to go over there and get beaten up…..again u r the audits, they are kids!

Oh but this one teacher named Mathew Burke goes outside and stops the fight…

He says to Mark next time u tell a boy to say Uncle u let him go. Hahahaha.

• both Susan and Ben meet up at a drive-in theatre where they talk about their backstories…..Susan’s father was ill and died so she moved here but she wants to move back to Boston where she once lived.

Awwww, and Ben Mears is here to do research for his book because his agent believes his writing sucks. Ouch, also these 2 are clearly falling in love.

Anyway so this night Ralph and Danny go walking in the woods at night to get home (well if nothing spooky was gonna kill them then Darwinism would get them eventually), anyways Straker kidnaps Danny and puts him in a sack then takes him back to his home so he can be used as sacrifice for the master.

His master is named Barlow…he wants to take over the town (shocker), btw Earlier Straker tried giving these 2 kids a ride home but they said nah….yeah don’t trust strangers, kids.

So Danny goes missing (meaning dead) so the entire town puts a search party to go find him. Also yes a kid died already within the first what 20-ish minute, how sad.

This does bring me to the major issue I have with this film, every time a person dies (and remember there’s a lot of characters in this 1 hour and 54 min movie) to give a rundown we have

Yeah, see an issue here? But that’s not the issue, the issue is once a character dies….we the audience don’t have time to process it, and neither do the people because the film just keeps on moving because it is a short time frame….so for most of the kills that happen, no one has a reaction.

It’s really weird, I feel this would have benefited from being a miniseries or just a bit longer than 1 hour and 54 min long…

Oh, there’s one more issue but we will get to that soon….. Anyway so uhh here are a few more bulletin notes.

• Danny returns, is hospitalized….he has a blood problem where his body isn’t making blood fast enough, also blood transfusion isn’t working.

That night at the hospital he wakes up and says he’s thirsty, so his mom goes gets a nurse to get some water for her son….but her son takes down his blood bag and tears it open then drinks the blood, the mother comes back in and bears witness this horrific sight.

So he gets buried, but that night this graveyard watcher named Mike Ryerson hears the boy crying to be released….which he does end up opening the grave….sighhh, so he gets bitten. Wow, what a shocker.

• Anyway Mike returns to Burke, as soon as Burke notices 2 bite marks on his neck while he’s handing the guy medicine, he instantly knows he’s a vampire…

Which brings me to my second issue, it’s that the pacing of the film is all off…..the main issue being that every time someone comes back as a vampire and interacts with a specific person….that specific person is like oh shite I recognize this is a vampire, oh wait I know how to deal with this. I did research.

I’m sorry huh? Is this a common thing in this film where people just study vampires? Why’s this common knowledge in this town?

Also on a side note, there are just weird leaps and logic in this film. I mean for instance as soon as Mike says I’m sick, Burke is like hmmm Mike is a vampire…..like excuse me huh? How did u get to that conclusion from Mike saying he’s sick?

Anyways Burke uses a cross to summon the vampire out of his house, we see the vamp twirling across the wall toward the hall, which is a cool cinematography visual. He revoked him out of his house.

• Burke goes and visits Susan and Ben who are having sex. He invites them to his house to show them, Mike Ryerson….he shows them the bites and the blood drop that’s on the pillow, so now both of them knows he’s a vampire….Ben tells Burke to call Dr. Cody over..

• she determines he’s dead, but later that knight Burke gets attacked by Mike……Burke sends Mike out of his house by saying he revoked letting him in. He tells the nurse and the 2 others the next day…..Cody doesn’t believe them but luckily the kid’s mother died recently so they go down to the morgue to see if she comes to life or not.

• Burke goes and does research on Barlow and Straker…..which again somehow common knowledge as if it’s in a book or something, oh wait it’s the name of the Antique store. Nevermind. So he goes to the house on the hill…guess who else is there? Mark, he’s on w mission to stop Barlow…also he saw his friend Ralph come back as a vampire….

But luckily he knows how to deal with vampires because he reads comics that have vampires in it, how convenient.

I can’t express this enough….tell me how stupid this sounds, so get this Mark this 11-year-old kid instantly knows how to defeat vampires, and knows all their weaknesses. And has made it his goal to go hunt down every vampire and kill them as if he’s freaking Rambo.

Where did he get all this well-known vampire knowledge from? Well from comic books…..yes comic books, I think my extension of disbelief has hit its roadblock.

Also, it was about at this point I had to think to myself, is this film a comedy? Because this is Borderlining on satire, dark satire but still.

So he bumps into Burke in the basement, he tells the kid he doesn’t need to convince him about vampires because he knows.

They both get locked in the basement so Burke helps Mark out by this other exit that has no stairs….but Burke gets bitten, womp womp.

• The other 3 witness the mother come back as a vampire, so they make a cross using 2 Popsicles….btw cool visual but in this film when the cross works it glows orange…..nice choice, oh also Dr. Cody gets bitten by the vampire….but she takes a rabies shot which cures her, yeah idk how the rules work here in this film.

So they plan to go talk to the priest named Father Callahan…it was about at this point the film started to lose me and fall completely off, it had me for thr first half of this film but the second half I’m just like, eh.

Take a wild guess what I’m about to say, he instantly believes them about vampires….ok seriously are vampires just common knowledge in this town? Did I miss something?

Oh, also Callahan has started losing his faith (gee wiz wonder where we’ve seen that before). Just then Mark enters and tells them he killed Straker….which he did because he got captured by him and tied upside down…but he escaped the next day and killed him with a sharp object, Oof.

On a side note sometimes the dialog in this film is cringe, such as a line Father Callahan says…..he says “I still believe in the awesome power of the church” The awesome power? Who talks like this?

• so they head to the house to see the body, but they don’t see anything….they go down to the basement and find vampire Burke….so Ben Mears gets piled on….so the gang opens the cellar door which burns the vampire…..they then toss Ben Mears a spike, which he uses to stab Burke in the heart.

So then they decide to split up and go tell the toen to get them in the church for the night, they decide to split up? In a vampire movie? Ohhh goodie, I can’t see this going wrong at all…well it does.

Callahan and Mark go to warn his parents. Barlow shows up and bites them both (they dead) (or undead). Also, Father Callahan gets killed off by Barlow, womp womp….Mark escapes though.

I won’t lie though this led to another moment that got a good chuckle out of me…..Father Callahan says in a whiney voice  while holding up the cross to Barlow “I have faith!”

Which Barlow says “OH really? Doesn’t seem like u do” (scoffs) ok idk why that got to me bur I just appreciated that Barlow knows how to make a good comeback.

Also, barley any emotions were expressed during his family being killed off. No grieving, the film just keeps progressing.

Oh btw in case y’all are wondering what Barlow looks like, well he looks like a discounted Nosferatu copy. His design is heavily inspired by Nosferatu. Or count Orlock.

Dr. Cody goes and asks the officer for help, but he’s running out of town because he knows about vampires (again does everyone in this city just know what vampires are?) So guess that wasn’t successful. Also, he was useless.

Ben and Susan go warn her mom, but too late she’s become the new Renfield…she gets possessed, and she tells her daughter that she met Barlow…..Anyway, Susan gets bitten on the kneck, gasps….so Ben drags her out back to the church (so guess that failed).

Wow, our main characters suck at warning people. Also, wait Susan got bitten? Noooo I wasn’t expecting this. So he takes her into the church and begs Dr. Cody to give her a rabies shot. Because it worked on the Dr. Earlier.

But after Susan finishes convulsing she runs out into the street, where Ben Mears sees no one on the street….also it’s pitch black out, then Dr. Cody calls out and says don’t it’s a trap!

Then he looks back at the street and sees vampires surrounding him *gulp* so he runs back to the church…..Cody tosses him a stake, and he gets lifted by a vampire into the air, but Ben Mears stabs the vampire and he lands on the ground hard…

Back in the church after they close the doors, Ben asks about the officer. Then his body gets tossed in through the window, womp womp…Dr. Cody’s response is he was not helpful, well that’s definitely an understatement.

Anyway, the next day comes and things get wild….everyone is gone, and Mark goes off to the Antique store where vampire Danny comes and attacks him……he stabs him and says I made u a promise. How sweet?

Anyway so the 2 others meet up with Mark and they notice every car is missing….so Ben has a suspicion about where they are….they drive to the drive-in theatre, where all the cars are parked….he goes up to Susan’s car and unlocks the trunk….revealing she’s asleep in there.

Those aren’t cars, they are coffins……ok now that I won’t lie is freaking cool, I like that decision.

On a side note, it is unclear how or when everyone in town got infected and turned into vampires…..this film only ever showed 6 people get bitten but that’s it, not a full towns worth.

Anyways the sun is starting to go down behind the giant screen….so the group has to run into the remaining light. So the lids start opening…the vampires come out, Ben Mears gets tackled down by the vamps, Dr. Cody gets killed off….oh and Susan’s mother comes out with a shotgun then proceeds to shoot towards Ben Mears and Mark.

Uh oh, so Mark gets into a car and rides the car through the pillars holding up the theatre screen, so it falls onto the floor….which burns all the vampires there, it’s a light show…eh eh eh eh? Dad joke.

Also if ur wondering what was even the purpose of Dr. Cody’s character, easy she was just here to be the stereotypical “OH Hell No” character, yeah they went there.

Anyway Ben jumps over a car to duck, and Mark runs the car into the woman….oooofff good riddance, now it’s almost night time and they have to locate the coffin with Barlow in it….they locate his coffin in a truck….they pull the coffin out into the remaining light, they get they’re stakes at the hands…as soon as they open the coffin…this massive force comes out of it which pushes them onto the floor.

Ben runs inside the small building, and gets attacked by vampire Susan…..Mark is outside running away then hides under piles of cars, so he doesn’t get caught by Barlow.

Anyways so uh Ben kills Susan with a leg of a chair…..I’m sad I was expecting her to get cured, what a fool I am….as for Mark he’s under piles of cars avoiding getting grabbed by Barlow, who’s shoving his hand through the cars….

As soon as Barlow grabs Mark, as soon as he’s about to bite him….Ben shows up behind Barlow and stabs a stake through his mouth, oooofff “Fatality Ben Mears wins” anyways he flips Barlow over then stabs him in the heart which ends Barlow for good.

Remember how I said this ending was anticlimactic? Well, this is what I meant, this ending just ends like this…I felt like wait that’s it? Oh ok sure I guess….that was super easy…..heck it was barely an inconvenience.

So the film ends with both Ben and Mark driving off somewhere I guess…to where idk, but the film does end on this music again

Idk If I told y’all this but this song has become my new favorite song, heck I added it to my Spotify Playlist. Anyways hope y’all enjoyed this review….I would recommend watching this film at least once, mow if u excuse me I’m gonna go watch the original Salems Lot because I’ve not done that yet.

No teaser this time btw, so until next time. Also hope y’all enjoying this season’s spooky reviews I’ve been posting. Don’t worry I got more to come, also stay spooked.