Thomas The Tank Engine The Magic Railroad:

Where do I even begin with this film? Well, firstly, this is indeed a movie, that’s for sure, take that as you will….lolo, the issue that plagued this movie is the fact they use about 70% CGI, 12% real human actors, and 18% props….when the original show was all 100% props and stop motion…

Also, something else comes to mind: why was this film even made? I mean, was it even necessary?

No really? So without further due, let’s get into the review, shall we?

So this film, I kid u not, is about a magical train that’s been lost for a while, has been taken in by a random human (played by the actor who played the devil in the first GhostRider movie), and he’s maintaining the train, the only issue is for it to be fueled up and be alive it needs some magic dust…which brings me into the main problem I have with this film…..the movie introduces to us magical dust as if that’s a normal and average thing in the Thomas The Tank Engine universe…

Don’t worry it gets worse, so our main human characters take place in the ordinary world, while Thomas The Tank Engine world is in a pocket dimension…. hmm that’s funny, I was under the impression that the original show (even though it all was stop motion) took place in the ordinary world, I mean everyone had jobs…they controlled the trains, they did standard daily life stuff…I’m talking about the humans, not the trains… even though the trains have faces and talk, everything felt grounded, like it could be our world…

I didn’t get the impression from the original series that it takes place in a pocket dimension, and oh yeah, they have magical dust that brings trains to life…..because I guess let’s throughout grounded and simple for bonkers and ludicrous Shenanigans….yeah sure, why not? hey why not, at this point, introduce us to a purple monkey and call it a day…lol

Anyway, back on the island of Sodor, we get introduced to our main human character (yes, there are three main human characters) played by, wait a minute…Alec Baldwin? Seriously? Did they get Alec Baldwin, of all people? 臘 and he’s playing a conductor…oh lovely Alec Baldwin the conductor, I’m Thomas The Tank Engine…kill me now, so he’s watching over things while Sir Topham Hatt takes a vacation…. by the way great time to mention, but the jokes in this movie sucks, there’s one joke? He looks at a picture of him and his wife, reminiscing over their love, and his wife is one of those female wooden models they used for the humans in the original Thomas The Tank Engine. So uh, wait a min hold on…

Is the implication that Alec Baldwin is a human? While his wife is wooden? Or is it that he’s supposed also to be wooden? (Wooden in his acting, but still) but he’s representing that everyone on Sodor is an average human who lives in reality? But that can’t be the case because Sodor in this film is in a pocket dimension. OK, my brain is hurting. Let’s move on…

So let’s get to why I even watched this movie in the first place. We do get introduced to our third main character, a girl played by Mara Wilson…yes Matilda is in this movie, and now u see why I wanted to watch this movie….speaking on I should get to writing a review on the Matilda movie (no not that stupid remake, I refuse to watch it) I’m talking about the original…

So she’s heading to visit her grandfather (the Satin guy from Ghostrider), so she’s heading onto a train…and here’s when the film starts making everyone stupid…for you see, she spots a random dog then proceeds to follow it, which the dog leads her on the wrong train yet she goes on board…..臘 stupid..

So this leads her into the pocket dimension somehow, yeah I don’t know how any of this works either….so anyway, back to Thomas, well he and his friends meet our main villain of this film (yes, this film has a main villain, because I guess that was so needed) his name is diesel…and he’s evil because he’s evil….he wants to get rid of all trains….what is he? Thanos? Except if he was a train? And is he going to go look for the infinite coals? Instead of the infinite stones!!

BTW this scene of Thomas, yeah, I hope y’all enjoyed that scene because now we won’t see Thomas for a while….

BTW this movie’s plot is incomprehensible. There’s just too much going on…..for example, Alec Baldwin is trying to search for more magical dust so he can teleport in and out of his realm to the human world…. by the way for some reason, the human world he’s 2 inches tall, but in the Thomas universe, he’s the average height? I don’t know. Try making sense of that…….

BTW remember how I said everyone in this film is stupid? Well, remember how I said that Alec Baldwin’s character knows he’s running low on magic dust, and it’s rare to find? Yes, well, even him knowing that he decides to use his magical dust to teleport onto Thomas in one scene when he’s 2 inches away from him, and he could just walk into Thomas…but nah why do that? Let’s just waste the magical dust that he’s so low on…..stupid!!

It gets worse, and he calls up a younger teenage cousin he has to come to help him….how’s he calling his cousin? Easy through 2 flowers as if they are phones….ok I’m now officially lost with this film, so in this pocket dimension, flowers can be used as telephones? I don’t even want to know or think of the logistics of that…..oh don’t worry, the logistics get even more bizarre, and this also ties into the characters being stupid….with the brain cells of like 1…

So little later on, Alec Baldwin’s cousin and Matilda team up to find more magical dust for Alec Baldwin, and yes, that’s a sentence I just said….. there’s one scene where they notice a specific windmill and know fully that if he goes on it, that it’s dangerous then will lead to him being flung off it In the distance, so he proceeds to go on it which flings him off into the distance onto the floor. He starts acting all confused like what just happened…

What do u mean by what just happened? U specifically knew what going on the windmill would do to you, and you go on to do it….and somehow say we’ll. I didn’t expect that to happen….. sigh everyone in this movie is stupid…

Speaking of stupid, let’s talk about Alec Baldwin’s character and his character is supposed to be funny? Except he doesn’t come off amusing….more like a cringe ain’t Nothing that he says in this film is funny…for example, we get multiple scenes of him talking to toy objects he has in his bedroom…am I supposed to be laughing at that? Should I feel bad that a middle-aged man is talking to toys as if they were sentient beings?

Also, to give an example of his so-called comedy, there’s a scene where he’s getting gossip from a bouncy ball….. sigh, and he has a bat in the other hand, which he talks to the bat to tell him don’t do it and the bat smacks the ball away……once again should I be laughing? What’s the punchline here? He’s getting gossip from a ball that isn’t alive, and the imagery imagines his bat being sentient…in a way that makes the bat seem like a jerk by uh smacking the ball away….. uh Ha…..Ha? Idk is that the reaction they wanted?

Oh, if y’all have started to notice that I’ve not brought up Thomas that much in this review and wondering why haven’t I? Well, there’s a reason for that…..it’s because he’s barely in this film!! Yeah, get this for a movie called Thomas The Tank Engine, the main character, Thomas, is sidelined in his movie….yeah who would have figured the movie instead sidelines him for Matilda and Alec Baldwin? What the freaking heck is even happening anymore with this film? It’s no longer about Thomas as the title would make u think it would be…now it’s about 2 human characters!

Let’s move on, so back to our main villain, yeah bet y’all almost forgot there’s a main villain in a Thomas The Tank Engine movie, so he’s just being evil…he wants to get rid of all trains, what an interesting motivation…but in his defense, there’s always been a rivalry against the trains and the diesels, guess u can say that’s a bit racist isn’t it? Racist against the diesels….

So…what else is there to say about this movie? Let’s see… hmm oh yes, eventually, Alec Baldwin and Matilda find some magic dust. They ride Thomas to the human world to meet with Matilda’s grandfather…..who’s trying to bring that mysterious railroad train back to life…in a cave for some reason…..also oh right, Thomas, I completely forgot he exists in this movie…..I mean, it is not like people would be expecting to see Thomas in this movie that’s titled Thomas The Tank Engine: The Magic Railroad!!

So he rides them out into the human world through a portal…uh huh, then they get to the human world, they proceed to get out of Thomas, which then he keeps driving and drives off a cliff back into a portal….hi Thomas, bye Thomas…so glad you were basically used as a glorified cameo in your bloody movie!

Let’s get to the ending, please, please. So the gang meets up with Matilda’s grandpa, and they revive the train using magic dust….how convenient, I keep saying….

So then they teleport back into Sodor, where they start getting chased by diesel. Also, Thomas has joined this chase…oh hey, it’s Thomas. Where have you been?

So anyway the gang rides over a bridge that’s under construction. Thomas makes it over….so the grandpa cheers on Thomas and says, “Wait a go, Thomas” What? Wait, a go for crossing a bridge? Yes, must been such a challenge for him….

Then Diesel tries to cross the bridge but for some reason, he falls sideways off the bridge and lands on a garbage boat…..oh ok that’s really convenient that was down there…

Anyway day is saved, then Matilda and her grandpa head back to the normal world (although let’s be real here, what’s been normal about this movie?) No seriously? What’s been normal about this movie? Plz can someone explain to me?

Anyway the end thank the lord now I can be done with this film and never have to remember it again…..plz get out of my head movie ur the bane of my existence……so what did I think of this movie back then and what do I still think about it to this day? It’s not a good film in my opinion….

But also it’s not the worst thing I’ve seen and I’ve seen worse trust me….anyways hope y’all enjoyed this review, plz share it around with people u know…..thanks.