Halloween Rob Zombie: oh joy I knew I’d have to get around to reviewing this film eventually so here we are….reviewing the Rob Zombie Halloween films, oh joy…..yeah sorry to say but my personal opinion I don’t think Rob Zombie was the best pick for making this film….just to give u an idea of what I’m even talking about well uh Rob Zombie makes music….and I wish I was joking when I say this but this is one of his titles of his album’s “The Electric Warlock Acid Witch Satanic Orgy Celebration Dispenser” yes that’s a real album…..yes that sounds like just a bunch of random words plopped together…now do u see why I say I don’t think this guy was the right choice?

See to be able to direct a Halloween film u should at the very least be level-headed and organized, does a guy named Rob Zombie with an album name such as The Electric Warlock Acid Witch Satanic Orgy Celebration Dispenser seem like a well level-headed director? Now don’t get me wrong I don’t hate Rob Zombie in fact I have respect for him because he has a vision and a motivation….u can’t hate the man for that, however I definitely do hate him for ruining Halloween with this film and his abysmal Halloween 2 which we will get into later but for now here’s the trailer enjoy…

So where do I even begin well firstly let’s talk through this pointing out the mistakes he made with this film, firstly this guy had the idea to and I wish that I was kidding but for some reason he decided to dedicate the first half of this film to showing all of us Michael Myers as a kid ans why he became evil….Jesus there’s ur first mistake, what made Michael Myers scary is the fact we never knew what made him turn evil…what made him decide to kill his sister that night, so dedicating a full 20 min to him as a kid just to explain why he turns evil….well it kinda ruins the  immersion…

Well at the very least does the film give a good reasoning on why he turns evil? Noooppppee, basically he’s evil because get this his dad’s a red neck Asshole, his mother is a striper and his sister is a douchebag oh and he has a screaming baby girl….awesome can this film get anymore annoying? Btw that’s how that all opens up, at a breakfast table with the asshole dad insulting his striper wife all while the baby girl is screeching at the table, oh and the douchebag older daughter comes just to be a douchebag and talk about not wanting to eat eggs because its chicken abortion……ohhh lovely, hmm let me check are my ears bleeding? Oh yep look at that it is…good job movie where barley 2 min into the film and I already have gone deaf…

Also its almost like everyone in this film wakes up every morning and be like ahhhh I’m gonna try to be the biggest asshole as possible today…..so does that mean Michael Myers is an over achiever in this universe?

Oh if ur wondering where Michael Myers is? Easy he’s upstairs washing his hands and a knife full of blood because he just stabbed and killed an animal….oh lovely he’s an animal abuser as well plz end my suffering….can someone plz do that for me?

Then Michael Myers comes down wearing a clown mask and starts screeching and acting immature…oh Jesus make it stop make it stop my ears can’t stand this torture of horrific noises…oh did I forget to mention the drunk asshole dad starts hitting on his own daughter? Yeah because not like we were already supposed to hate him…nooo no let’s just add whatever this is on top of that….great job Rob Zombie…great job

Oh and then the father starts insulting his own son by saying I bet he’s quer and gonna cut his dick and balls of and rename himself Sherri…..I think I’m more worried that this guy Is checking off the marks of every asshole movie trope

So to summarize up alot of this up so we don’t focus on this too long uh……Micheal Myers is a disturbed kid, his mother called into school because he was caught with images of dead animals he killed, while they’re talking Michael Myers wonders off into the forest and kills his bully that bullies him….oh joy now we can add second degree murder to kid Michael Myers files… also reason his mother was called in oh and Dr. Loomis was called in here but I talk more about him little later and he’s played by Malcolm McDowell……reason they were called in is because he was beating up bullies on the restroom as the principal walks in Michael Myers just curses at him…..hm what a charmer 

Uhhh let’s see that unfaithful night his mother goes to her strip pole dancing job, her drunk husband left behind he won’t take Michael trick or treating neither will his own sister so he duct tapes his dad to his chair and slits his throat then we see the sister and her boyfriend banging each other while he’s wearing the Micheal Myers mask, then he heads downstairs where he kills the guy and steals the mask….then he goes upstairs with the mask on and kills his sister…

So let me get this all straight so ummm let’s see so basically Michael Myers according to Rob Zombie of course, turned evil and killed his sister that night because no one would take him out for trick or treating? 臘 and talk about playing loose with the original film I mean the dad wasn’t a drunk asshole in the original nor did he get killed off, heck he wasn’t even in the house that night…furthermore is Rob Zombie trying to tell me Michael Myers got his iconic mask from his sister’s horny boyfriend that he wore during some sex? 臘

Also I just realized the music that’s playing in the background while Michael Myers is killing his sister….it’s don’t fear the reaper……臘

I swear I cannot escape this song….it’s out to haunt me lolo….

Ok moving on before I loose it, so uhh his mother makes it back home noticing Michael Myers stirring outside on the porch taking care of his little baby daughter….so he gets taken into the mental institute where we see again Dr. Loomis played still by Malcolm McDowell……now in my opinion I’m mix when it comes to this Dr. Loomis on one hand he sure as hell ain’t no Donald Pleasence, but on the other hand he is the best part of this horrible film…..sooo take that as u will…

Anyways now we’re really playing loose with the lore of Halloween, we see Dr. Loomis doing interview with Michael Myers on a tape recorder and the boy is talking….oh boy is he talking, huh that’s funny I remember Dr. Loomis in the original film saying he never knew Michael Myers to have ever spoken heck never heard him spoke….heck he was never meant to talk ever since he murdered his sister……but in this film he does, so he talks now just uhhhhh just because…

Anyways one day after he stafts not talking as much and stafts wearing homemade masks, while Dr. Loomis and Michael Myers mother is leaving Michael Myers is left alone to eat food with a douchebag nurse sitting there where she simply turns her back reads her newspaper and let’s the psychopath eat his dinner with his spork….臘….ah yeah very smart do turn ur back on a violent psychopath kid, I’m sure nothing will happen…oh wait nevermind he stabs her in the neck……huh who could have seen that coming?

Anyway let’s be real here knowing where this is going and the track record so far I have a feeling that nurses off time activities involved going around cursing a storm and throwing babies off of bridges…… Anyway so Michael Myer’s mother goes home and commits suicide? Oh dear oh dear oh dear ok uh wow yep that got dark very quick so that means the baby is left alone and crying again oh joy…..so now time passed Michael Myers is a grown ass adult who now is 7 feet tall, has long brown hair and a long homeless looking beard….what is he? Freaking Hagrid on steroids?

Anyway, Dr. Loomis tells him he’s leaving he’s tried his best to get to Michael but he stopped responding and listening to him…then he says in a way I consider u my best friend…..just for him to leave and go on live stage on talk to a crowd about how Michael Myers became a psychopath and shoes them an image of him and he says that’s the eyes of a monster…..uhhhhh Dr. Loomis u sure ur not the one that needs to be looked up? U seem to be going a bit senile over there…

BTW things get a whole lot worse for u see 2 men who work at the asylum who are rapists enter a cell room to rape a woman patient…..huh, so are all the staff members they’re rapists or is it just these 2? Also what so is the qualifications of working at an insane asylum is that u must be a rapist? Oh silly me of course that makes all the sense in the world….臘….

No no just nooo I can’t imagine another worse way to spend ur evening? Right? Right!? Yeah no it gets worse they go into Michael Myers room to rape the woman….臘, how stupid and horrible do u have to make ur characters look like to make Michael Myers look like a good guy? Anyways I cannot see anything going wrong here….ohh totally not

Oh wait nevermind he kills both the rapists saving the woman then he leaves……wait a min hold on, is Michael Myers in this film a good guy? I mean so far he’s only killed a bully, a douchebag assehole drunk dad who hit on his own sister and now 2 rapists…..huh, is Micheal Myers a good guy? Oh nooooooo why Rob Zombie why? Michael Myers isn’t supposed to be a good guy he’s supposed to be a murderous monster who’s called the boogeyman…

Anyway, then Michael Myers goes and finds the only guy who was nice to him his janitor friend played by Danny Trejo, where he kills the guy with a TV to the face….huh So I guess the movie just clarified that Michael Myers is actually a monster…..only took this movie 1 freaking hour but still…….

So now we got introduced to Laurie who’s now raised by some other family, and guess what she’s an asshole……oh wow what a shocker of course she is an asshole, that just for the norm at this point…..but plz Michael Myers plz come and kill her I don’t care about this Laurie at all…

Anyways Loomis finds out about Michael Myers escaping so he heads down to the asylum to ask the people in charge what happened? They tell him one of the custodians said they dont know how or why he escaped? And has no idea where he could possibly have gone off to….so then Dr. Loomis leaves with 2 of the guys following him still blabbering….which then Loomis does say I line that I think I might say sometime down the line to someone else….he tells them “it must be great living in denial, I must try it sometime”

Huh I might definitely have to use that phrase in one of my other reviews down the line or maybe in real life to a person as well….

Anyways yall know the rest of the story of this film I mean it is freaking identical from here on….Laurie Strode babysits Tommy Doyle on Halloween night, her friend and boyfriend have sex in the Myers house, Myers kills the boyfriend….dresses up as the boyfriend wearing the sheet as a ghost and glasses, then attacks the girl….only difference is Rob Zombie added gratuitous gore and nudity in the scenes….so he literally took the scenes from the original film and sprinkled on his Rob Zombie feels to the movie…..

Also for some reason he decided to have the film basically stop its main plot and show us how Dr. Loomis got a gun, he went to purchase one…..uhhh huh, oh jee wiz I was totally loosing sleep over the fact I had no idea how Dr. Loomis got a gun In the first place….thank u Rob Zombie for answering my prayers 臘

So anyways now comes the ending of this film, gee wiz finally, can I leave yet?……so anyways now the were in the final showdown of this film, and its oh boy definitely something…..so Dr. Loomis tries to drive to the Myers house to help out….all while Laurie has to run away from Michael Myers….well I saw run but there’s a 5 min scene of her hiding under the floorboards and Michael Myers just snooping around and not noticing her…..yes that’s right 5 freaking min, hope yall enjoy a glorified hide and go seek for 5 min…if not then this is gonna bore u….

So anyways Laurie eventually escapes the house after Myers takes a picture out showing her as a kid as I’d he’s trying to show her that she’s his sister….but whats this she doesn’t know what he is saying so she takes his knife and stabs him in the shoulder which he falls over……ohh damn a prick my one weakness oooofff

So anyways Laurie runs outside where she bumps into Dr. Loomis who drives up, yayyyyy plot convenience….so Laurie gets into his car ans asks him was that the boogeyman? Which he says yes it was…..then Michael Myers break open the window to try to grab Laurie…..he ends up pulling Laurie out of the car, where then Laurie runs back inside, Dr. Loomis follows them to an empty pool in the backyard, where Loomis shoots Michael Myers but it doesn’t do anything, and Michael takes the fight inside and starts squeezing Loomis eyeballs….uh eww

Then Michael Myers goes back to Laurie who’s still outside in the empty pool, she ends up getting the upper hand and starts beating him up then knocks him on the ground, then takes Dr. Loomis hand gun and shoots Michael Myers In the head…and that’s how the film ends, with Laurie Strode covered in blood all over her face, a loud gun blast noise and her screaming her ears off…..wow thank u movie u ended in a similar way u started….with making my eardrums bleed…..good grief

Anyways sighhh happy ending the movie is finally over thank the lord it’s over…..good freaking grief it’s over, yeah enough said yikes this movie is just yikes….thats the best way to describe it because that’s how I felt back when I watched this movie and thats how I still feel about this movie to this day…..also thanks a lot Rob Zombie u kinda ruined the Halloween series for me…by over-explaining too much instead of leaving things up to the imagination….

Also him adding constant cursing every min just gets annoying, it comes off as If he’s a kid who just heard a swear word for the first time ans feels extremely exciting that he can keep saying it….yeah dude sorry grow up, cursing every every every second in every statement isn’t mature….in fact it comes off childish…funny saying that about a movie that’s definitely not aimed towards kids…

So I’ll give Rob Zombie Halloween a solid 1/10….don’t go and watch this film