Halloween II Rob Zombie: sighhhhhh let’s get this review out of the way but first here’s the trailer

So uhhhh we pick right up from where the first film ended, where Laurie Strode is being taken away in an ambulance and so is Dr. Loomis, also Michael Myers is being hauled away in an ambulance to the morgue….where we get introduced to 2 of th3 ambulance drives one played by Richard Brake….because of course he is, I mean he seems to like working along with Rob Zombie…..oh and his character he plays is a rapist who’s talking about f**king a corpse….hmm how pleasant, talk about Subtlety….oh wait a min, this is Rob Zombie were talking about subtlety doesn’t compute with him….

So anyways a ransom cow appears on the street the ambulance rams into it crashing the ambulance, Michael Myers wakes up what a shocker and kills Richard Brakes character by slicing his neck open grotesquely with a piece of sharp glass….hmmm yep glad to see Rob Zombie still brought over his excessive amount of gore from the first film over to this film….ohhhhh joy….

Anyway we see the brutal surgery happen to Laurie…once again is any of this necessary? Or is this all for shock value? Anyways so things officially get weird……Micheal Myers notices his dead mother wearing a white dress while holding a white horse next to her…….uhhhhhhhhh ok then……yeah I got nothing else really to add to that, except for what in the ever lasting hell is going on here?

Don’t worry all will definitely not make sense later but for now Michael Myers heads to the hospital Laurie is at….she breaks out of the hospital finds her way to the guard station outside where the guard tries to enter, where Michael Myers pops up behind him and kills him then tries to break the door open to attack Laurie….which as soon as he breaks the door down and Laurie starts screaming she all a sudden wakes up in bed at home…..wait what? It was all just a dream, or was it? No seriously was it? I mean how much of that was in her head and actually really happened?

Did Michael Myers escape the hospital truck? If not then how could Laurie possibly imagine up how he specifically broke out which involved a random cow appearing on the road, then imagine that he saw his dead mother wearing a white gown while holding a white horse?

Anyways wanna take a guess how Laurie acts like throughout the rest of this movie? Well I bet she acts like a polite upbeat citizen…..oh wait, what’s that? Oh right I forgot this is a Rob Zombie movie….upbeat citizen pfft F**k that no instead Laurie acts like a piece of shite to everyone around her who tries to help her which includes Sheriff Brackett and his daughter Amanda (i think that’s her name, no I don’t really care to look it up…lolo), so yeah Laurie is just one giant prick to everyone who’s nice to her….including the people who have took her in and raising her since her family were killed in the first film…..what a charmer

But she must be better with her therapist she has now right? Right? Wrong, no she’s equally an a$$hole to her therapist…..oh joy, can we plz move onto someone else that is better….maybe like Dr. Loomis, no way they fricked up his character……..in other news this film totally Fricked up his character, I mean dear lord where do I even begin with this not Dr. Loomis guy…

Well firstly there’s a reason why I call him not Dr. Loomis it’s because he’s the exact opposite of him….he’s now an egotistical douchebag who wrote a book and is ridding off his fame….oh lovely so now this film really ruined the 2 most iconic characters of the series, anyways we see not Loomis doing a speech about his book in front of a press where he shows a new clip of Michael Myers as a kid, after his mom committed suicide….he gets told that and he says she’ll be back…

Oh lovely Michael Myers is back to talking, lovely 臘 also plz explain this to me….so the reason Michael Myer’s mom committed suicide is that she thought there was no more help for her son and he stopped talking period….he became a mute, hence why she committed suicide…is what I’m going off from the first Rob Zombie Halloween film…but now u telling me Rob Zombie that even after she died he still was talking? I call bullshite..

Also, how’s Dr. Loomis gonna talk his way out of this? Ain’t there gonna be some people who have read his book and seen the clip he just showed and said wait something doesn’t add up here…..so then Dr. Not Loomis talks about how Michael Myers upbringing is what made him into a serial killer…once again here’s another thing Rob Zombie ruined, what made Michael Myers scary is that we never knew what made him turn evil that unfailing night or if he was born evil….thats what made him scary, no but here Rob Zombie wants to spoon feed us everything…so in this film it’s because his uprising is what led him to become evil….awesome there goes all tension..

Then Not Loomis says Sigmund Freud would have a field day over this…….Sigmund Freud? Jeez it’s like Rob Zombie looked up psychiatry, came upon Sigmund Freud, and ran with that little piece of knowledge….u can’t just base psychiatry off of looking up Sigmund Freaking Freud, I mean half of his studies got debunked proven wrong…..so clearly Rob Zombie u clearly couldn’t even open up one page in a physicist book to try to understand psychiatry….instead opted for Googling Sigmund Freud and said I think I know now psychiatry I’m now gonna run with it….臘

Oh btw if things couldn’t get worse uhh Loomis has a female assistant in this film who is a ginormous prick to throughout the entire movie…..ok it’s official this isn’t Dr. Loomis this is idk let’s call him Frank…..so Dr. Frank also has a outfit change he now just has a white mustache instead of a beard, he has sunglasses on, wears black suit instead of a tane coat…..so really they killed anything that made Dr. Loomis well uhhh Dr. Loomis, hence why now I’m calling him Dr. Frank…..why Dr. Frank yall might be wondering? Well firstly because I’m “Frankly” done with this film and secondly this character is only Dr. Loomis is name only, so it be a sin to call him Dr. Loomis….so moving on

BTW sheriff Brackett is mad at Dr. Loomis because he made a quick buck off of Laurie’s misery…..yeah u know what that is scummy of him I ain’t gonna lie, btw if yall wondering wait Jarrod why haven’t u been talking about Michael Myers yet? Well for u see this film barley shows him that’s why…..and the scenes we do get of him is well uhhhh terrible, for u see 99% of this film he doesn’t wear his mask, he looks like a 7 foot tall discounted Hagrid with a longer beard…..he’s wearing a normal jacket….

Also majority of this movie he spends the time in a field, oh also major red flags for this film the movie doesn’t even take place on Halloween night…..wow just wow the one thing that’s integral to the lore of this franchise and its not even in this film, sighhh….also I ain’t gonna call him Michael Myers he looks more like a hobo so I’ll be dubbing him as hobo of Haden Field…

So we’ll get back to the hobo of Haden Field and his imaginary dead mom and white horse later……huh a specific song is coming to mind every time I say white hore….hmmm wonder what it is

“If u wanna ride, don’t ride the white horse, white horse, white horse, if u ride, don’t ride the white horse”

Lolo Anyways so uh Laurie is still being a dick, she’s being rude to her friend who she and her father took her in……wow great can we plz move on away from this, Laurie is just being a dick to everyone including her therapist….who is trying to help her, anyways one day Laurie gets a hold of Loomis book and finds out the hard way that she’s the sister of Michael Myers….which breaks her, we see her sit in her car reading the book then she starts screaming and slamming her wheel….yeah I’d be hurt as well I ain’t gonna lie…..

Oh if yall didn’t think this film could stoop any lower well sorry to burst ur bubbles but we get a segment of Loomis going on live TV who’s being hosted by….wait a min, being hosted by that guy who hosted the talking dead? What the hell is he doing here? It’s Chris Hardwick….Jesus, and he brought on a guest character and I wish that I was kidding he brought on to this show with Dr. Loomis, “Weird Al” Yankovic…….what is this? Is this a start to a bad joke?

What is this movie anymore? Oh I know what it is…..it’s shite,  so anyways moving on….so he gets humiliated live on TV….lolo, oh btw wanna know how much this is not Dr. Loomis…..well there’s one line that irks me the wrong way….his female assistant tries giving him ideas where he says to her “look woman if I wanted ideas from u, I’d beat it out of u!”……ohh how the mighty has fallen, there are no similarities between this Loomis and the classic Loomis……

So let’s skip a bit and just get to the ending….so near the end of the second act, Michael is going around killing people (some of which is Laurie’s friends) heck he kills Sheriff Brackets daughter in they’re house….he finds his dead daughter in the restroom, so he’s absolutely devastated about all this…..well no shite Sherlock, also if ur wondering where Laurie is? Uhhh idk…..oh right she gets captured by Michael Myers and gets taken to an abandoned shed in the middle of a field….why u maybe wondering?

Well glad yall asked so he can convert her to his side….for u see she’s been seeing the exact same white horse and dead mother…..the Myers family have this special ability to see it…….uh huh sure, so now the Myers have super powers now? 臘

So anyways the cops chase them down to the abandoned shed, Sheriff Brackett joins the cornering of Michael Myers….but whats this Dr. Not Loomis sees all this happen on TV so now he knows Michael Myers is still alive…..so he finally does the responsible thing, he decides to head on down there to stop Michael Myers because he feels there’s a piece of him that is mostly at fault….for making fame off of Laurie’s trauma in a format of a book….heck even Sheriff Brackett agrees because as soon as Dr. Not Loomis gets they’re Brackett gives him a good old knuckle sandwich to the face….lolo…does that knuckle sandwich come with some bacon? Hmmm yes plz….lolo

Anyways, he runs on into the shed to stop Michael Myers….when he gets inside he does find Michael Myers but he also sees Laurie on the ground screaming and cannot get up, she’s saying she’s being attacked but no one is there grabbing her…it’s all In her head, dunn dunnn dunnn…..now I’m just wondering who here is more insane? Is it Michael Myers or Laurie? Pick ur poison really at this point…

Then ohhhh boy then the infamous scene of Rob Zombie Halloween 2…..so uhh Michael Myers pushes not Loomis out of the shed and uhh well I’ll play out the dialog and u try telling me this is even close to a Halloween film

Dr. Not Loomis: Michael! We’re going to hell!

Michael Myers: Die!!

Fuck it that’s not Michael Myers, that’s discounted Hobo Hagrid of Haden Field by Rob Zombie……so anyways Hobo Hagrid kills Dr. Not Loomis….hurray, then the cops aim fire at Hobo Hagrid which I cannot tell if the bullets are affecting him or not because he’s just standing there Shimming left and right as if he’s doing a last boogy….then he falls on the floor and dies, wow that was anticlimactic….also that was the most none bloodiest kill I’ve seen…there was no blood!! How could u F that one up Rob? This is a rated R film…and for the rest of this movie u had over thr top gory moments…but here u just said nah its fine there doesn’t need to be any blood, no of course not that makes way too much sense….

Also ehhhh our The Shape ladies and gentlemen…died by Shimming left and right…..I don’t know what’s more disrespectful, Michael Myers dying in this movie via doing the shimmy or Michael Myers dying in Halloween Ends by having a fridge tossed onto his leg, his throat ans wrists slit then get tossed into a car grinder machine….pick ur poison really at this point….lolo

Sigh anyways Laurie comes walking out the shed with Michael Myers knife in her hand so the cops shoot her? The Fuck!? Yeah so Laurie dies? Except she doesn’t we see her in a white mental institute room….and guess what her final imagery she sees? Michael Myers mother and the white horse 臘….anyways the end…..except that Rob Zombie eventually went on the record and said no she didn’t survive but in fact that white room was her final image she saw in her head as she was dying…

Even though the previous plan was to have a Halloween 3 where no Laurie wasn’t dead, but instead she starts going on a killing spree becoming the next Michael Myers…..oh well guess Rob Zombie thinks he can also retcon real life….so anyways that was Rob Zombies not even remotely close in any form or ball park, left or right Halloween 2……yeah what else can I say about this movie besides that it’s a piece of shite of a film…..the fact it doesn’t even take place on Halloween night also doesn’t help either……

This movie is a incoherent mess of a film, also I cannot believe I’m about to say this but I think Rob Zombie needs to go back to producing music…even though I ain’t no fan of his music but it’s leaps better then his movies….I cannot stand what he did to these 2 Halloween movies nor can I stand what he did with last years 2022 The Munsters….every movie he makes just keeps proving My point that he doesn’t need to be a director…..so Rob Zombie go back to making music, leave movies alone….

So overall I’ll give Rob Zombie Halloween 2 a solid 1/10….if I could go any lower I’d give it a zero