The Super Mario Movie: Let’s start off with the trailers shall we

So we’re do I even begin, well firstly I’ve never played a single Mario game live ever…I didn’t grow up on Mario….like at all, so I went into this movie knowing nothing about Mario, I just went in as a movie goer and jeepers yeah how do I say this….I hated this film, yeah I ain’t gonna be subtle….I’m gonna be blunt, I hated this film…in fact I hesitate to call this a movie, I’ll explain in a very short bit because this review might be shorter since the plot of this film Is short…let me give u some context to this

So the guy who owns Shigeru Miyamoto has this extremely biased belief that get this “video games don’t deserve nor needs a plot like at all” yeah I can tell I’d never get along with the original Mario games, because I prefer my games to have plots…..so when I heard that Shigeru Miyamoto had a heavy hand in making sure this Mario Movie would be a success….I know something wasn’t gonna go well….and I was correct, so yeah to no one’s shocker this film barley has a plot because Shigeru Miyamoto was Adamant on this film having no script…but illumination who Mads this movie said no we need a plot…..yeah u can tell when things are going bad, when illumination the same company who brought us the Minions and that stupid Grinch 2018 remake is saying no this film needs a plot…..

I really think that they should have kept Shigeru Miyamoto as far away from this films development as possible….too bad they couldn’t because he owns this IP and is strict about it…so how did this film turn out….wellll

We start off with Bowser voiced by Jack Black and his minions of Koopas, and this wizard henchmen named Kamek yeah he has a wizard a small nerdy looking wizard with glasses…..so yeah them and his flying lava base called Bowser Castle flies to this snowy kingdom owned by penguins and there king….to retrieve a magical star that is the most powerful item in the Mario universe from what I can tell, and it makes u invincible so basically a god……after the penguins try fighting back by throwing snowballs yeah snowballs because hahah? Bowser uses his flames from his mouth to melt the snow kingdom and steal the star…so uh oh what is he gonna do with this oh so powerful star? We will get to that in a very short bit

So we get introduced to Mario and Luigi they’re not doing so good with the plumbing business they started, Luigi is just following Mario around there family blames Mario for pulling his brother down the drain metaphorically with him….also can we just talk about the fact that Mario is being voiced by Chris Pratt? Who at illumination and Nintendo said oh yes Chris Pratt that be a perfect voice for Mario let’s get him….no no just no….anyways so down on 3 luck at their job they see a downtown flood of water so they go down there to unclog the drain to save the day that way they get revenue…

So they head down there, go into the sewer to fix the issue where they locate a bright green tube which is very strange, they get close to it and get sucked into it where they go through a portal to a different dimension but they both get separated so Mario lands near the mushroom kingdom in a forest of giant mushrooms and he hates mushrooms while Luigi Lands in a dark scary dead forest with lava in areas….uh oh oh and there’s some skeletons, oh Jesus…..so anyways Mario bumps into a guy named Toad who’s a small guy with a mushroom hat…he takes Mario to Princess Peach, maybe he can help her and the mushroom kingdom save them from Bowser and his goons….

So anyways they go through a small town where we see mushroom people hitting floating boxes to get coins…seriously how does currency work in this world? Can u just push a block to get free coins? Huh? how does this work??? Plz explain to me Ninten-Dont!!! So anyways they go through multiple tunes that look like it would give me massive anxiety and death if I had to go through them….were they reach all the way at the top to the castle where now they have to get past the Guarda so toad pulls out the ultimate weapon….a pan and what does he plan to do with it? If u said knock them out then u sir are wrong, no he instead boils eggs for them distracting them….huh?

So then Mario sneaks in just to admittedly get caught by guards inside, lolo luckily Princess Peach has just exited the mission/throne room where she just got done discussing with the other mushroom kingdom guards and right hand men about how Bowser has gotten the star and has been going around destroying different dimensions, and he’s heading to them so they have to stop him….unfortunately the mushroom kingdom people can’t fight, as they put it look at us…we’re adorable….lolo, so Princess Peach says she’ll go stop him but she bumps into Mario and saves him from the guards…

Has him go through a training course which is the typical Mario run course….so she has him go through it which he keeps failing and failing which we go into a montage….btw can we just talk about the soundtrack? Yeah I hate it, the soundtrack is all pop music so during this montage of him failing and failing the course all through day and nights while Peach is waiting there patiently….we’re listening to the song I need a hero, what does that song have to do with this scene? Nothing….it’s just there because uhhh pop culture music be the bees knees……

Anyway so she then recruits Mario and they head to the Ape Kingdom to recruit the Apes…..while that’s happening Luigi gets chased into a mansion by some alive skeletons where he finds himself in even more danger, a small group of small people wearing ghost masks called the Shy People are behind him and capture Luigi…this scene was legit scary, we see a glimpse of them from flashing light there standing right behind Luigi without him knowing and we hear him scream….

So then he gets sent to Bowsers base which is where we finally find out what Bowsers evil plan is, so get this so he spent all this time destroying dimensions to get the star all so he can get this…….get married to Princess Peach 😑😑🤦 yes that’s the plot of this film yall, Bowser wants to get married to Princess Peach…..oh lovely that’s barley a plot, like I said I hesitate to call this a movie…..this plot to me sucks, so anyways he then brings in Luigi to interrogate him to get info about where this Mario is because he fears Mario is gonna get in the way of Bowser getting married to Peach, once again this is the amount of levl of depth this villian has….which means none really…..oh btw I don’t understand how Jack Black’s song is considered good….it’s just of him as Bowser using the piano and signing about peaches peaches peaches peaches peaches…..

So Bowser puts Luigi in the dungeon in hanging cell cage with other prisoners where they will be engulfed in lava when Bowser wants them to….also there’s a blue star guy down there all happy saying we’re gonna die…this is our new home…wow what a creep

So Mario and Peach head to the Donkey Kong village to recruit them, oh and Toad joins them…..so they get there where they’re greeted by being captured and brought to the king, where they ask for the aid of him and his men….he says no, but then Mario say they challenge him….if Mario wins then the Donkey Kingdom drives with them to take on Bowser and if they lose then they don’t join…so the king accepts this just because it be something entertaining to watch…a battle to the death, so then Peach tells Mario this is a stupid idea…but he’s determined to win he’s got this so he goes into the ring where his appointment comes out…it’s Donkey Kong himself and he’s voiced by Seth Rogan…..oh joy 😑😑

So uh yeah firstly im not a Seth Rogan fan I’ve never been a fan of his type of comedy….his comedy is always stoner humor…that ain’t for me, and it ain’t even good stoner humor….secondly every time I see his name attached to a film or show I said oh Jesus well I’m gonna avoid that like it’s the plague…lolo

So how does he sound like here? Well he sounds exactly like Seth Rogan, and it made me groan…

“Seth Rogen is my cinematic red flag. If he’s in it, I’m not. He’s the human version of a skip button.”

so anyways they both battle but Mario is loosing until he gets the upper hand buy using the correct power up after he uses the wrong power up that puts him into a car suit…..because nostalgia, hey yall remember Mario in a cat suit? Well come buy our games we’re u can play as that Mario for the price of 80 to 90 dollars….ur missing out on a deal, jeepers this is one giant advertisement…

Anyways Mario wins so now they have the help of the Apes, also Donkey Kong has an ego he refuses to admit he lost….he just keeps saying I let u win……yeah ok sure he did, anyways so they head to their vehicles, and make customized cars for them to ride….yes u heard that correctly customized Karts….so they make the customized Karts, Mario makes hi iconic Kart….Toad makes a big monster truck and Peach makes a motorcycle…then they all head out to take on Bowser….they head through the rainbow race track because u know it’s iconic and gotta get fans to say oh oh I remember that…..so anyways Bowser and his goons come down in karts and start chasing our team…huh when did this become the Mario Kart movie?

So anyways they start attacking our group, our group starts losing….which makes me wonder what was the point of them recruiting the Donkeys? Huhhhhhh so anyways the Donkeys and Peach get captured, Mario and Donkey Kong get knocked into the ocean oh wonderful…..so now they’re both left alone and bickering at each other…..wow what a shocker, but then they get eaten up by a whale but they rescue themselves I forget how….I don’t care to remember how, but now they go to save Princess Peach who is forced to Mary Bowser…he firsts asks nicely she says no then he says he’ll destroy mushroom kingdom if she doesn’t so she agrees 🤦

So anyways Mario and Donkey Kong head to save the team and his brother, so Bowser is having the wedding happen outside the castle oh jeepers I don’t care….so anyways Mario and Donkey Kong fight their way up….sighhh can this movie end already? So anyways they break the wedding and so does Peach, she grabs the star and throws it to one of her men and a fight happens…..anyways they eventually take the fight out to the earth world by teleporting there along with Bowesers base, so now everyone can see Mario and Luigi being the heroes….oh also Luigi has been saved as well yeah for a movie called the Super Mario Movie, Luigi is barely in the film….anyways so they fight while Mario and Luigi try to get to the star. So then they reach the star which Mario says we should grab it together…..awww that’s sweet…

So they absorb it together and become invincible so now Bowser cannot defeat them, they are invincible so theh stop Bowser and his men…they knock them out and destroy his base then kick them back into there dimension…saving the earth yayy I guess….so then the film ends with them waking up in there new home in the mushroom kingdom and they head out to live there day the end…wow such a great ending…mainly because its done and I don’t have to talk about it anymore….

So yeah if yall can’t tell I really really didn’t like this movie like at all, it’s just not for me…since I’ve never played a Mario game before so I have no nostalgia to this game series…it didn’t make me invested in the Mario games…..but I did buy Mario Kart 8, not because of this movie no because a friend of mine had it and I saw how the game looked, then it got my hooked…..so watching a friend of mine for 5 min play a game got me more invested in a game then an entire 1 hour and a half hour film could get me invested….

Well I hope yall enjoyed this film people thanks for spending ur money on this film, hope yall go buy our Mario games we got them on discount same day…come buy the Mario games that way u can play as Mario because hes the main character yall liked from this film….thanks for giving us all ur money now leave and I don’t care……The Super Mario Movie gets in my opinion a solid 2/10….btw if there’s some of yall who’s not seen this film yet and want to, this movie is gonna be streaming on Peacock starting August 6th…put that in yall calendars

This is not a movie this is 1 and a half hour advertisement for people to buy Mario property’s…….well I hope yall enjoyed this review now join me back next time for my next review where I’ll be reviewing The Flash, hope to see yall there