Fast and Furious 9: before I go into a rant because I want to….let’s start off with the trailers shall we?

Since this is a Universal film, Y’all know what that means? Cue the Universal Logo!

Yes that’s right John Cena is in this film where he plays Dominic Toretto’s brother, u know the brother that was never ever brought up or mentioned in any previous films, yeah that kinda brother…..also sorry to say this but uhhh I can’t stand this film because this film is a little to bat shite bonkers for me….I’ll explain the 3 most bat shite moments in this film….no wait sorry the 6 most insane bat shite moments throughout this review….u know what originally I said they really should cross over with jurassic world or transformers but I’m now double thinking my decision on that, because well I’ll explain why in this review u will see why

So the plot of this film kicks off when our gang gets a call from Mr. Nobody apparently his plane he was in crashed and he needs help so they go out to rescue him…..so they head to the plane wreckage to see if he’s still there…..spoiler alert, he is not…..so either he’s dead or he’s not dead but we never find out so it doesn’t matter…..anyways but guess who they do find? John Cena, yeah John Cena is in this film and his characters name is Jakob Toretto….u know, that brother that’s never been mentioned or brought up before in any previous Fast and Furious film…..the mysterious brother that came out of basically thin air…..oh don’t worry it gets worse so he is mad at Dominic for turning his back on him which I’ll get to in a small bit so now Jakob is working for a rich dude who wants to rule the world…..how typical and oh yeah they have Cipher in captive as well somehow…

So anyways Jakob and his men come driving in because its a Fast and Furious film…..and this leads to one of my what I like to call ok this is bullshite moments…..so In this scene I kid u not so after a miraculous car chase through mind fields which our team and thare cars make out of it because i guess there cars are now mine proof….. idk so anyways uhhh Roman drives his car off a small cliff and one of the villain’s trucks falls above him getting stuck in between 2 rocks….so now Roman has to get out of the car before he gets crushed while his 2 other friends are standing there watching….so he gets out of the car but then the truck falls onto him and if u think he is dead well that would be to logical….nope instead as soon as his friends thinks he’s dead, he just randomly walks from behind the truck and they ask him how did u survive that? Which he puts his hands up and responds with a uhhh idk……and it was at this moment I knew this film was gonna be completely stupid, like the type of stupid where I will need to get a drink afterward and keep in mind I don’t drink…..lololo

There’s the clip enjoy I guess

And also yes I call complete bullshite on Roman being able to survive and walk off being crushed by a truck…..so anyways if yall thought that scene I just mentioned is dumb? Oh no no we’ve not even gotten to the most dumbest scene that is yet to come, but this next scene is dumb, for u see Jakob and his men drive across a bridge and then destroy it so no one can drive behind it…..so guess what Vin and Terry do? They drive their car into a rope tied to the side of a pillar, now if ur wondering where the dumb part comes well……they jump off the cliff the rope locks into the wheel and launches the car across the mountain like a slingshot…..which they land perfectly safe with no damage to them or the car…..yet they crash land on the other side of the mountain and I do mean crash land, they tumble around few times till they land with Vin still having a perfectly white shirt with no dirt on it…..ok im definitely calling bullshite lolo this is so dumb

Physics? What’s that?

So then a plane comes out of nowhere and uses some kinda magnet thing to attach Jakob’s car to it….once again bullshite!!! So anyways our team heads back home because Dominic Is now having a mid-life crisis about seeing his brother he left…….so now time for the back story for u see when they were kids their dad who was a racer had Jakob Sabotage with his car because he was in debt, so he basically said F**k it, son Sabotage my car…..anyways later the next day a rsce happens and there dsds car crashes and explodes and he dies, later Jakob tried explaining to Dom that there father asked him to sabotage his car because he was in major debt……but Dominic didn’t listen to him he blames him for there fathers death…..so he told him to leave and never return, wow so he abandoned his brother……and I thought Vin was all about family in this series, ok sure whatever…..also Jakob in this film is a spy working for some part of the government, he be like Dom I’m so hurt that u abandoned me ur family, so much that I decided to become a spy and join a bad rich guy who wants to take over the world….thats how much u have hurt me Dom……yeah ok sure, have u idk decided to go seek therapy? Because this seems like an over reaction

So anyways Terry and Mia Torreto as in Dominic Toretto’s sister, head out together to check out something that might help them find Jakob Toretto……but guess who they find instead? No really take a guess because u won’t be able to guess…..its Hans, yeah if ur wondering huh? Yeah huh? Is correct because he got killed by Shaw…..in a car explosion, so how the hell is he back? Well glad yall have asked and let me tell u it ain’t a good or logical reasoning for how he’s still alive……..u would be better off not knowing, but since I’ve suffered through this so do yall…lolo also any logical ideas of how Hans might have survived, do me a favor get rid of those ideas because this is a Fast and Furious film, logic and physics have left this series way to long ago…..

So here’s how Hans survived brace yourself, so get this during the car exploding…..he and Mr. Nobody were somewhere off-screen and Mr. Nobody was using a hologram of Hans in the car to fake his death….ok I’m calling bullshite, firstly Hans and the others didn’t know of Mr. Nobody by that point so that’s a bit of a retcon, and secondly really hologram? Pray tell how far of a reach can ur hologram go to the point where it can do a race where it should go far out of reach? Also thirdly……u telling me an assassin such as Shaw didn’t notice Hans and some old guy standing in the corner being like heheheheh look at us where clever hehehehh…..yeah get the F***k out of here

So anyways I wanna talk about another thing I hated from this film so shortly after, Roman is telling the group do yall find it weird that we survived through impossible missions? That would kill the normal people…..maybe where immortal….which his friends says stop being dumb, ur crazy….oh really hea crazy? No sorry he’s not crazy he’s the voice of reason….thats how I’ve been feeling about this series for a while…..but also uh film, just because ur being meta doesn’t give yall a pass for ur stupidity….anyways so Hans and the 2 others show up, yayy family reunion….btw Hans has an adoptive daughter who knows the secrets of the weapon the bad guy is gonna use and she knows kung-fu…..because sure why not of course Han now has a daughter and of course she knows the bad guys secret weapon, guess she read the script ahead lolo….so she gets captured by the baddies, shocker….so then Jakob and his men come breaking into there hideout and takes Dominic Toretto away wow who cares so now the team must go after him…..

BTW welcome to bullshite number uhhh idk I’ve lost count now, so uh Dominic escapes his holds and while that happens Jakob is slowly coursing down a zip line across a building and Dominic just jumps out of nowhere onto Jakob knocking him through a window into a building where they start fighting….because sure why not and I kid u not John grabs Vin and picks him up rams him through the top part of the frame of a door, breaking that top into pieces yeah how hard did he ram him through that the rim of the door frame breaks? Also, Vin Diesel barely reacts to this, he gets no injury, and no broken bones he’s head barely moves it stays stiff…..again what is he? The hulk?

Anyway while this happens both Roman and Tej visit 2 guys from a previous Fast and Furious film I forget which it is….and there testing out a car with a rocket on the back of it….keep in mind there testing this with not much gadgets in a stream under a bridge….and ladies and gentlemen this finally brings us to the most and I mean the most stupidest part of this film…..well ok 1 of 2 of the most stupidest parts of this film, up till now I was rolling with the amount of stupidity but here I rolled my eyes and said ohh u gotta be kidding me movie…..so if ur wondering what’s so bad? Well they ask these 2 to modify to rockst car to be able to send both them Roman and Tej into space….yes u heard that right they both fly into outer space in a car with a jet on the back while there wearing scuba gears….sighhhh people this series has officially jumped the shark, they went into outer space to take out the baddies satellite in a car……let me repeat that….a car!! A God damn car!!….I think I’ve lost my sanity….btw we the audience where joking when we said what’s next are they gonna go fly into space in a car…..we didn’t actually think Vin and universal would take that seriously!!!

Anyways moving on……so while this happens the gang saves Dominic gets him into a car which sigghhh get this and this this is where my patience with this film started running thin….so the gang have these powerful magnets in the back of there cars there plan is to attract the baddies cars to them so they can flip over the baddies truck as well…..how does the magnets not attack the gang’s cars together is beyond me….oh wait I know why, its because where family……just kill me

Also as u can see in the clip there passing buy buildings which bunch of metal objects are flying out of the buildings towards the vehicles….let’s be real those people inside those buildings should be skeletons by now that was the equivalent of a tornado they should be nothing….but once again physic and logic ain’t a thing here….and no idk how these objects flying out of the building is only hitting thr bad guys vehicles and not our main characters cars…..as said physics be gone also if we’re gonna start talking about physics and possibilities well let’s be real it wouldn’t be just people’s phones and objects through buildings being sucked to the cars….people’s piercings and teeth braces would be yanked out……I swear the places my mind goes to sometimes is horrifying…..

So anyways Jakob changes sides, yes u heard that right….he changes sides because guess what? The evil rich baddie who wants to rule the world betrays him….wow what a shocker, so now he has no one so he joins Dom and his family even though he hates Dom…..yeah just go with it, anyways so now Jakob helps the team by I kid u not, his car slam to on side of the truck and Dominic’s car slams into the other side….they then turn on the magnets which causes the truck to flip upside down in the air which now the team has to avoid that from landing on them, yeah ok sure why not…..so anyways they kill the main rich baddie and the next scene is what I call bullshite dumb….

So Cipher comes riding in on a jet saying fine I’ll do this myself and she starts shooting at the truck which now Dom is riding, and uh how do I describe this scene….so he’s crash riding near a cliff and the jet is approaching him so do u know what he does? He slides the truck slightly when it gets near the edge of the cliff then he jumps out and the end of the truck just swings into the jet wing blowing it up while Cipher says oh shite…..and once again bullshite, here’s the clip

But then it’s revealed Cipher wasn’t in the jet, it was a hologram of her so she’s still alive……hurray? I really don’t know why they need to keep her around no seriously I don’t…..so anyways Dom gives his car to Jakob which is nice and Jakob rides away…..knowing that he rekindled his relationship with his brother, kinda …..so anyways film ends with our group doing picnic in the backyard and there waiting for one more person to show up, guess who? Paul Walkers character….and yes I know the actor is dead….which is what makes this kinda just gross in my opinion….

So anyways happy ending, because I get to be done with this film……jeepers I truly despise this film, idk why….oh no wait I do know why, its because the amount of stupidity in this film just makes me lose interest very fast……pun unintended…….so overall I’m giving this film a solid 3.8/10