Star Wars Holiday Special: that’s right folks I’m deciding to review the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special……this special is so bad that in fact get this to this day George Lucas has abundantly made it clear by saying “If I had time and a sledgehammer I’d go around find every copy of this special and destroy them all” yikes, u know it has to be a whole new level of bad if the man who brought us Jar Jar Binks and the Cringy Romance between Anakin and Padme says it’s bad….then ohhhh boy where in for some hell now aren’t we…..also if u where to even bring this film up to Harrison Ford he will give u a look like he’s ready to strangle u ….and honestly I don’t blame him, this is an abysmal film…..so without further a due let’s get into the review shall we

So this film opens up with reused footage from a new Hope of the Millennium falcon escaping a tie fighter attack……..and Han Solo Is trying to get Chewbacca home to his family to celebrate his holiday called Life Day, what ever the hell Life Day is, idk this film doesn’t explain it at all….so good luck making up any rationality from this…….so he needs to go home to his wife, son and grandpa on the home planet of Kazook….yeah here it’s called Kazook, not Kyshyyk, this came out way before revenge of the sith…..and can I just ask how did anyone from making revenge of the sith get the word Kashyk from Kyshyyk….there’s to many “y’s” in there……

Anyhow so at Chewbaccas home……”roar roar roar roar grrr grrrr grrrr rughhhh rughhh” Dear jeepers Christ what’s happening? So yeah if u can’t tell George Lucas came up with the oh-so-smart idea to not add subtitles to anything Chewbaccas family is saying so all u guys will hear in this film is a bunch of roar roar, grrrr grrrr rughhhh rughhhh rughhh rughhh…..it was about 2 seconds into hearing that I wanted to rip my ears off…..so anyways we get introduced to the family, Chewbaccas wife named Molalla, son named Lumpy and grandpa named Itchy…….Lumpy and Itchy? How much thought process was put there when thinking of the names of them? Also idk why but Lumpy and Itchy sounds like the start of a Porno…..

Oh and don’t worry it gets worse if any of yall are wondering what does this so-called film consist off? Well glad u asked because this film makes it clear when Itchy puts something in a table for Lumpy to watch where he sits for 5 min watching a small holographic Circus celame……yeah 5 min of watching a circus act……is anything gonna happen in this film!!? Nope because then afterward they call up an old guy running a thrift shop who has an imperial officer right beside him doing his inspection…..where they ask the old guy where Chewbacca is….and in some oh-so-secret code language he answers them by saying “oh that new harry shagged carpet should be arriving In a Millennium, heck u would also say that it’s arriving to u by Han….Solo” real subtle there…..good job

Then afterward Moalla watching a video of someone teaching her how to cook for welp 5 more freaking min…….which mainly consists of the guy who looks like what I can only describe a mix between some old man mixed with robot maid u would have seen from a Hanna Barbara cartoon……and u wanna know what the dialog in this scene consists of? Easy “ur gonna wanna stir whip stir whip whip whip stir…..stir whip stir whip stir whip whip whip stir….stir whip stir whip stir whip whip whip stir come along repeat it now….stir whip stir whip whip whip stir stir whip stir whip stir whip whip stir wah” Jesus freaking lord if I have to hear the words stir whip one more time I’m gonna blow a fuse

So then the old guy shows up and proceeds them with Life Day gifts and he gives the grandpa Itchy I kid u not in the words of one of the developers…..a soft core porn machine………and this is supposed to be a film where kids can sit down and watch it, and a happy new year….so yes a woman with pink hair in the machine starts talking to him ughhhh then she starts singing…..UGHHHHHH!!

anyways 5 min later they contact Luke Skywalker and R2D2 who are working on something I guess and oh oh no no oh no why does Luke look like a porcelain doll? No seriously why? This looks horrifying……I’m now gonna get nightmares, he then tells Moalla to smile because Chewbacca will show up later…..lovely…..then that’s it for Luke Skywalker in this special I guess……then they call up Princess Leia and the actress Carrie Fisher looks like she’s cocked out….and I don’t blame her I mean when ur in a movie like this u do whatever drugs u do to feel sober lolo…..anyways C3PO is there as well for some reason and they tell them Chewbacca hasn’t showed up yet and this line doesn’t make any sense that Leia says…. “hmm this is more trouble then we bargained for” uhhh huh? Sorry what? Does that mean? I mean did u bargain for some trouble? But just small bit of trouble? It’s almost like someone just randomly watched A New Hope and heard the wors bargained and they said ok they said bargai, legs put that in this script….ughh

So then the empire comes inside the house to search for any rebel scum…..finally something interesting is happening, so what exciting scene is gonna go down here? Well they decide to distract the imperial officers by playing a miniaturized Jefferson Starship in a computer for 5 min…..oh wait nevermind there’s nothing exciting here sighhh and no idk why they picked Jefferson Starship, don’t know what it has to do with star wars…..is it because the word “star” Is in the title?

So then afterwards Lumpy goes upstairs where his room is a mess because the officers messed everything up to search for anything suspicious…….so then he grabs a present he got which Is a set to build a computer, eh? So he then turns on YouTube to watch a video on how to build the computer…..and yes we the audience have to watch it, for 5 to 10 min….jeepers this isn’t fun this is just boring….it’s BORING!! So then after this 5 to 10 min of what I can only describe as a poorly written improv session because it’s an old guy doing random nonsensical things for no reason…..afterwards then Lumpy watches a cartoon of our main characters….say what now? So yeah in the star wars universe, there exists a cartoon of our main characters…..say what now?

Also, this is the best part of this film……although that’s not saying much because it’s like if I was searching through a pile of shite and found a piece of rock and said this is the one piece that isn’t shite…..because it’s a rock…..I mean dear lord where do I begin firstly the animation style looks horrible….I mean Luke looks like he has cocaine eyes, Han looks like he just suffered a stroke, and Chewbacca looks like he’s seen too much shite in his life….also C3PO blinks for some reason….yeah idk why either….the highlight of this scene is we get introduced to Boba Fett for the first time and he’s the best part, he tricks our team makes it seems he’s on there side but secretly he’s working for Vader and he sent Boba in to infiltrate them….dun dun dun

So afterwards the empire watch a episode on TV of the life on Tatooine where people at a bar…..and a guy with a volcano for a head profuses his love for the bartender played by Bea Arthur and I’m just wondering when the hell Is this film gonna end…….but unfortunately we have to suffer through Bea Arthur singing about everyone having one last drink then they have to go because the empire for some reason put a curfew out for bars….don’t ask idk why either……

So after this 5 min scene ends, Lumpy impersonate an imperial order on his new computer to tell them to leave so they do but they leave a stormtrooper behind in case any Rebel shows up….all right then…..so then Han and Chewbacca show up where a stormtrooper falls to his death because he slips over his own gun….wow the only action in this film a stormtrooper tripping over his gun…..sighhh

So now with Chewbacca back they can go do life Day now which is them wearing red robes, and caring a orb in there hand while they walk in a dark void……huh? Nevermind so anyways the film ends with our main characters coming out for some reason and Carrie Fisher starts singing even though she can’t sing…..oh wonderful, this is definitely an ending…..a horrible ending…..yayy finally its over I’m done with this……this is a horrible so called film plz don’t check this out it will make u want to medically induce sleep…..im giving it a solid 1/10