So uh where do I begin with this….firstly I absolutely love this film I kinda knew what to expect when I went into this film but nothing prepared me for how bonkers this film was….I mean what did yall expect from a movie called Cocaine Bear? U get what the title tells u……its about a Bear who Snorts Cocaine and goes on a murderous spree…..anyways before I get to far here’s the trailer

I did warn yall this is a bonkers film…..btw I wanna secondly mention something else….this film is very very very very very loosely based on a true story like very loosely based off of a true story…..in the true story, a drug dealer did toss out 75 pounds of cocaine out of a plane….which landed in the wood….the bear snorted the pounds of cocaine and died a few hours later of overdose…..damn that’s just sad, I imagine it’s last few hours where what’s the word? Painful….I mean yeah makes sense….so yeah are yall starting to realize what film yall are in for?

So without any introduction let’s get into it…..we start with literal 2 canon fodders……as in a soon-to-be wife and husband who are hiking in the wilderness, talking about their upcoming marriage plans and how they’re looking forward to it…..yeah sorry no u both are in a movie called cocaine bear, ain’t no way u both are surviving, especially since u both are just chatting about our upcoming wedding and how ur happy…..so yeah without a shocker of course they die….well one of them dies, they bump into the cocaine bear which btw there first encounters with it is bizarre……the bear is banging his head against a tree then rubbing its back against a tree lololo…..but then the bear sees both of them and kills the woman and in a gruesome fashion…..I mean we see limbs flying, her leg flies right in front of her husband…..jeepers and he runs off, understandable….

Anyways now with canon fodder out of the way now its time for the main characters…..and if ur wondering wait, what main characters? I thought the bear was the only main character? Yeah I wished that as well but nope instead this film just had to have humans for us to feel invested in……plus the film gives us to many characters to invest into…..lets run down the characters shall we (btw I don’t remember the characters names so I won’t be referencing them by there names I’ll instead reference them by he, she, they, her, him, friend, boss, dad……plus I think for this review it be funnier that way)

We got a mob boss who needs to get the cocaine back to pay off his sellers or else they come for him and his family…..btw his son left his own kid in his dad’s capable hands to take care of him because he just decided to abandon his kid for a little to go to bars and mourn the passing of his wife and his dad is mad at he has to take care of his nephew……lololo understandable 

His son who wants out of the business ans recently lost his wife in a accident so he’s mourning her…….he does join his friend though because he doesn’t really have a choice 

His friend who still is a drug dealer and is hired to go recruit the guys son to help get the cocaine back…..I say friend but the guy doesn’t really see him as a friend…..that or he’s just stubborn and won’t admit it yet

A mother whos a nurse, who also has a daughter who wants her to go sith her to paint a waterfall at the waterfalls in the mountains….but she’s to busy also she has a new boyfriend who her daughter is judgmental about 

Her daughter who wants to paint a waterfall at the waterfalls…..plus she hates her mothers new boyfriend for some reason 

The friend (and just to clarify her friend is a boy but I’m calling him the friend because why not plus idk why I just chuckled to myself when I was brain storming on what calling him and the friend came to mind so I’ll be sticking to that) so anyways yeah her friend who just tags along with her….plus they also encounter the cocaine bear when they both go into the woods themselves because the daughter is just crazy I guess also they find a brick of cocaine and they snort it…..yeah kids snorting cocaine…..yikes but they don’t do anything with that angle…..they dont get high or anything which is the most unrealistic part of this film lololo kidding….everything about this film is unrealistic 

A black cop who has a dog….yeah the dog doesn’t benefit the story at all btw….and this cop is investigating the cocaine and where it is plus he’s planning to bring down the guys crime organization who was I’m charge of the cocaine….ok that’s good motive if u ask me

Another cop he gives his dog to for her to watch over while he investigates the cocaine but it turns out later this cop chick is working with the crime people…..shocker 

A punk teenager with his 2 groups of gangs who our 2 drug dealers force to show them where he stashed the rest of the cocaine he found

If u think that’s too much oh don’t worry there’s more unfortunately 

We also have a park ranger woman who wasn’t to get laid with a guy….specifically a guy who’s about to come in who’s in love with nature…….oh wonderful 

Then we have the nature-loving guy…….yeah that’s all the characters oh and then there’s the cocaine bear……yeah u would think for a movie called the cocaine bear it only be about well the cocaine bear but nooo instead we just have to have about 10 characters to follow in this film…..that too many, so now that I gave a lot of context to the story I’ll now give a rundown of highlights and what happens in this film………so here’s the rundown, the girl and her friend go into the woods themselves so they can paint the painting on the river while her mom is at her job….they both bump into the bear and they go and hide, the mother finds out they went out there so she goes out there and recruits the park ranger and his soon to be a love interest, wilderness lover…..anyways they go out there to find her daughter and her friend….

While the drug dealer recruits his friend to come and find rhe rest of the cocaine so there boss can pay off there investors or else they will hint and kill there family…..yikes, also when they get there one of then goes into the restroom and gets attacked by 3 teenagers, 1 of them stabs him in the back and btw this part is funny…..because he gets stabbed in the back but doesn’t realize he did until after he knocks out the 3 teens…..and u would think his concern by Jesus they stabbed me God…but nope his concern is damn this jersey I’m wearing its my favorite and this ruined, damn it……lololo, well I guess he’s got priorities…..even though those priorities are kinda iffy to say lolo…..

BTW while this happens the mother and the guard locate her daughters friend up in a tree and he says he’s hiding up there from the bear btw the bear returns so the nature lover climbs up the tree and the kid says dont worry bears can’t climb trees which the guy says yes they can…which the kid says then why u up here? Yeah good question why are u? Anyways so the bear does go up the tree but he admittedly climbs down to go uo the other tree because the nature guy is covered in cocaine and the bear wants cocaine lolo also the ranger guard lady runs back to the building to call for help…..there she runs into the 2 teens and they call and ambulance and while that happens this does become a horror film for some reason……the bear is lurking outside and there inside all scared but the bear gets in and mowls them to death btw the ambulance shows up and sees the carnage on the floor just alot of blood and bodies layed around….btw they locate the bear in the closet so they grab the barley alive park ranger put her in the ambulance and they take off while the bear chases them yeah this is when the film just said F**k logic yeah the bear is chasing them and keeping up with a moving vehicle lolo…..but this scene ends great the bear jumps in and molws them to death also he knocks the park ranger out the truck ans she falls face first and dies jeepers….

So then they both make the leader of the group show then where he hid rest of the cocaine because he said he found 1 bag and that’s it well let me be price he found all of it hid them and took 1 bag, so he leads them to the rest…..anyways they make it to the gazebo he left the cocaine at but the cop is also there he’s on top of the gazebo he somehow made it on top bur can’t make it back down lolo…..anyways they each aim guns at each other but then the cocaine bear comes out of nowhere so they decide to lay on the floor pretend to be dead but the bear lays on top of the guy who’s suffering his wife’s death and I love this scene because they say to him maybe u should get out of there and he says gee why didn’t I think of that?…..lolo also this scene confirms that the bear is a female they keep calling the bear a male but the guy underneath says it’s a female and they ask how u know and he says her Virginia is on my ear…..lololololo this scene was absolutely funny…..anyways the bear gets up eventually and somehow that guy is still alive……also btw the cop I forgot to mention shot off the black guy dealers fingers off he shoots off the weird ones the middle finger and pinkie and yes that’s a joke in this film they say ohhh how did he shoot those 2 fingers off there not even near each other…..btw once again he’s not even sad he lost his w fingers he’s upset his jersey has blood on it and he needs to use it to cover his wound lolo…..oh no my fingers got shot off but dang tbis jersey is my favorite lolo

Anyway the other cop lady shows up and reveals she’s a drug dealer as well wow what a shocker alao she brought the dog with her Hes in the car btw she shoots the cop guy and he dies ohhh no……then now where in third act and the mob boss shows up ohh I forget he was here also the mother and the kid locates her daughter because she left behind paint marks on the ground as bread crumbs…..how smart of her……also they locate the guy from the opening part of this film which btw he isn’t useful he only leads them to the cave and he leaves them because he refuses to go inside….anyways the drugs dealers make it to the cave and they go inside and we see the bear has baby cubs awwww…..btw the mother locates her daughter and they try to find a way out while the drug dealers look for the cocaine and the mother bear returns btw this ending gets absurd they find the water fall that’s located at the edge of a cliff and the drug dealers make it there and the guy’s dad is about to shoot 2 kids and there mother dannng but the guys son says dad u r going to far there’s kids involved but the dad says u have gone soft…..but then the son tries stopping him so he says ur no son of mine….

So then they jump off the side of the cliff into the water and take the guys gun also the bear shows up and he shoots the bear ohh no and the cubs are upset btw this is where the film just goes nuts so the guy tries yanking down a cocaine bag off a branch and some of it lands on the bear which wakes it up and revives it yeah I don’t think thata how that works and no it’s not a temporary revive the cocaine heals the bear ok that’s just huh? Yeah the bear and her cubs tear open the bad guys stomach open and rips through his guts ewwwww and that’s the end of him anyways so the film ends with everyone leaving there separate way yeah all them survived…the only ones that died was the black cop dude, 2 teens, a tree hugger, a park ranger, a cocaine leader and a soon to be wife…..yeah to many characters survived, also the female cop gives the grieving guy the dog yayyya he now has a dog…..anyways so the film ends with our main characters walking home while the 2 guys drive away and there’s 2 end credit scenes btw 1 of Is the teenager walking on the road with a bag of cocaine and takes a ride from a stranger hinting at we might get another film and the second end credits scene is of the 2 dealers getting home and thee dog is chewing is on the guys 2 fingers that his pal had in his pockets ewwww

Away film is over btw I wanna mention that the director said she’s planning to turn this into a cinematic universe because get this recently cocaine was found in the ocean and she can come up with tons of ideas….ah yes the cocaine cinematic universe who wants that? Also why does everything need to have a cinematic universe these days also I enjoyed this film it’s so stupid and absurd….I loved how absurd it gets at points…..this film is absurdity on drugs…..literally lolol,

But if I had one issue with this film I’d say it’s that this film has way too many human characters, we needed to cut down on the cast and focus more on this bear….or better yet keep the human characters just cut out their stories, then have the film focus in the woods where a bear on Cocaine is mauling them to death brutally…

There are like 7 subplots which wasn’t necessary, maybe they should have kept 1 or 2 subplots but 7 is too much. Especially for a film titled Cocaine Bear….Especially a subplot about about a female ranger having a crush on a nature lover….yeah wrong place wrong time…

overall I’m gonna give this film a solid 7.5/10 I highly recommend this film