Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017)

🍔 Or: The One That Made Me Never Want to Eat a Burger Again


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🎬 Let’s start with showing y’all the trailers, shall we?

The trailers made this look like another stylish, cheeky, British spy romp—Eggsy in his suit, gadgets galore, Channing Tatum front and center as the cool new American recruit. But what we got was two and a half hours of bloated nonsense, bizarre choices, and the infamous tracker scene. (We’ll get there, unfortunately.)

🎬 A Director Who Can’t Get Out of His Own Way

Let’s talk about Matthew Vaughn, the man behind this franchise. On paper, he’s a stylish director with flair — he gave us Kick-Ass and the original Kingsman: The Secret Service, both fun, subversive, and full of slick action. But somewhere along the way, he became obsessed with his own creation and forgot the golden rule: story comes first.

There’s something almost tragic here — Vaughn clearly loves this franchise, but he never seems able to get his head out of his own ass long enough to craft a coherent script. Every sequel or spin-off gets bloated with nonsense: cannibal burgers, Rasputin TikTok dance fights, endless plot twists, and tonal whiplash that could give you whiplash. It’s like he keeps throwing darts at a board labeled “LOL shocking moment?” and hopes something sticks.

The problem isn’t lack of talent — Vaughn can direct the hell out of a scene. The action is gorgeous, the cinematography is sleek, the costumes pop. But when it comes to script and tone, he sabotages himself. Instead of sharpening the Kingsman universe into something tight and clever, he bloats it into incoherence. The man’s obsessed with the toys but ignores the toolbox.

So yeah, Matthew Vaughn: thank you for the first film. But with each new entry, you’ve proven one thing — you can’t leave your own franchise alone, and you keep dragging it deeper into chaos instead of greatness.



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📖 Non-Spoiler Plot Rundown

The Kingsman agency gets nearly wiped out in the opening act by a mysterious drug cartel called the Golden Circle. Eggsy and Merlin head to the U.S. to team up with their American “cousins,” the Statesman. Together, they battle Poppy Adams, a psychotic, candy-coated drug lord who turns people into burgers. Yes. Burgers.


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👥 Character Rundown

Eggsy (Taron Egerton) – Our lead once again. He’s fine, but the script gives him way too many dumb scenes, including one of the most infamous spy-movie moments ever put on film (the tracker insertion scene).

Harry Hart (Colin Firth) – The mentor who DIED in the last film… brought back with amnesia and an eye-patch trick. His recovery involves pointing a gun at a dog to trigger his memories. This franchise just didn’t know when to let a good death stay dead.

Merlin (Mark Strong) – My favorite character, and probably yours too. Mark Strong is such a great actor, and Merlin always grounded the chaos. Which makes his death all the more infuriating later on. (And yes, he sings “Take Me Home, Country Roads” before blowing himself up. It’s oddly moving—but still a waste of the best character.)

Poppy Adams (Julianne Moore) – The villain. On paper, she’s a cheery, 1950s-style homemaker running a drug empire. In practice? She’s absurd, making mincemeat (literally) of her enemies with a meat grinder and serving them as burgers. Disgusting, weird, and off-putting to the point you may never look at a cheeseburger the same again.

Jack Daniels (Pedro Pascal) – Yep, Pedro Pascal is here as a lasso-wielding cowboy agent. Fun, right? Nope. His character is absurdly written, his motives make no sense, and his name being Jack Daniels is a facepalm all by itself.

Ginger Ale (Halle Berry) – The Statesman tech expert. Her character is named after a soda. Yes, really. That’s her codename. And she spends most of the film begging for a chance to be a field agent.

Tequila (Channing Tatum) – He was plastered all over the trailers, and then sidelined almost immediately by getting poisoned. He spends most of the movie in cryogenic storage. Misleading marketing at its finest.

Yeah how do u get a great cast like this and waste them all?



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🎭 Tone & Decisions

This movie swings between gross-out humor, heartfelt sacrifice, cartoon villainy, and half-baked commentary about the war on drugs. It never lands on one. The mix of serious stakes (mass drug epidemic, millions poisoned) with campy nonsense (robot dogs, burger cannibalism) is exhausting.


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🌄 Pros

The scenery and set design are slick. The candy-coated 1950s villain lair looks great, even if the story is stupid.

Mark Strong’s performance as Merlin—he elevates everything he touches.



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💀 Cons

Bringing Harry back cheapens the first film and forces one of the dumbest “memory recovery” tropes ever.

Poppy’s plan is laughably absurd: poison millions of people just to get her drugs legalized. That’s her big evil scheme.

The meat grinder burger scene. Disgusting. Nauseating. Absurd.

Statesman agents named after alcohol? Really? Tequila, Whiskey, Champagne, and Ginger Ale? What are they, a cocktail menu?

Channing Tatum was marketed as a lead and appears for maybe ten minutes.

That tracker scene. Eggsy has to seduce a woman and insert a tracker into her… well, you know where. It’s gross, unnecessary, and out of touch.

💬 Final Thoughts

This movie is absurd, bloated, and full of bad creative choices. The first film felt fresh and subversive. This one feels like fanfiction written by someone who thought “what if we had robot dogs and burger cannibalism” was peak spy satire. This franchise needs to end, but unfortunately it didnt.

Rating: 4/10 – A few fun moments and gorgeous sets can’t save it. Mark Strong as Merlin is the only bright spot in an otherwise wasted sequel.


🩸 Extended Spoiler Dive – The Entire Third Act

The final act of The Golden Circle is where the sequel goes from “messy” to “completely unhinged.” Let’s break down the chaos, beat by beat:


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🧠 How Harry Is Even Alive

Remember in The Secret Service when Harry Hart (Colin Firth) was shot in the head, point-blank, by Valentine (Samuel L. Jackson)? Yeah, he died. Dead. Gone. Iconic sacrifice. Except… apparently not.

The Statesman (the American counterpart to Kingsman) found him, rushed in with their “Alpha Gel” technology, and injected it into his brain. This miraculous goo seals wounds and regenerates brain tissue — basically plot armor in syringe form. The catch? Harry suffers amnesia and spends most of his time thinking he’s a butterfly collector until Eggsy and Merlin snap him out of it.

So yes, the movie literally hand-waves away a perfect death scene with “magic cowboy science.” It’s cheap, lazy, and undercuts the emotional weight of the first movie. This series has officially become dumb.


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🧠 Harry’s Memory Recovery

Once revived, Harry doesn’t remember who he is. The Statesman try multiple methods to “trigger” his memories. Eventually, Eggsy and Merlin resort to forcing Harry into trauma — staging situations like holding a gun to a dog (ugh, again). Finally, Harry snaps out of it during a life-or-death fight, regaining his skills just in time for the finale.


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🎶 Merlin’s Death

Merlin (Mark Strong), the true MVP of the Kingsman, dies stepping on a land mine outside Poppy’s compound. Instead of disarming it, he accepts his fate, sings “Take Me Home, Country Roads” to steady himself, and detonates the mine, killing himself and nearby guards. It’s one of the only emotional beats that lands — and still feels like a total waste of the franchise’s best character.


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🤠 Pedro Pascal’s Betrayal

Jack Daniels (Pedro Pascal), initially a charismatic Statesman ally, betrays the team. His motive? His wife and unborn child died from drugs, so now he believes every drug user on Earth deserves death. His heel turn makes little sense and feels tacked on for shock value.
His final fight is a whip-and-lasso duel against Eggsy and Harry. He’s killed by his own weapon — neck snapped by his lasso. For an actor as good as Pedro Pascal, it’s a frustratingly weak role.


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🍔 Poppy Adams’ Absurd Plan & Death

Julianne Moore’s villain, Poppy, runs her drug empire out of a 1950s-themed jungle compound with robot dogs and a diner. Her plan: lace all her drugs with a lethal toxin, then demand worldwide legalization in exchange for the antidote. Not only absurd but self-destructive — legalization would end her monopoly.
Her methods are grotesque. She forces recruits to grind humans into meat and serve them as burgers. Disgusting, stomach-turning, and absurd to the point of parody.
Her death is anticlimactic: Eggsy poisons her with her own burger. She keels over in mid-monologue, ending her reign with a whimper.


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👑 Elton John’s WTF Cameo

Yes, Elton John is in this movie — playing himself. Poppy kidnapped him as her private entertainment, and he becomes the weirdest deus ex machina in the film. Elton karate-kicks henchmen, swears like a sailor, and even helps save the day. At one point, he literally fights robot dogs in full feathered costume. It’s so surreal you almost wonder if it was filmed on a dare.


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💥 The Final Battle

The climax mashes together robot dogs, lasso fights, a burger-poisoning, and Elton John martial arts. Eggsy and Harry team up to take out Poppy’s compound, and Merlin’s sacrifice hangs over them. On paper, it should be thrilling. On screen, it’s exhausting, bloated, and tonally confused.


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🧵 Final Stitch

The third act of The Golden Circle highlights every bad instinct this franchise had:

Resurrecting Harry with “magic goo” cheapens the first film.

Merlin’s sacrifice wastes Mark Strong.

Jack Daniels’ betrayal is absurd and unearned.

Poppy’s plan is cartoonishly dumb.

Elton John’s cameo pushes the movie into self-parody.


Instead of stylish, smart spy satire, we got a Franken-movie stitched together with shock moments and no heart.