Death on the Nile (2022)

“A Gorgeous Cruise With No Destination”


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🎬 Let’s start by showing y’all the trailers, shall we?

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📝 Non-Spoiler Plot Overview

Detective Hercule Poirot (Kenneth Branagh) returns for another round of extravagant sleuthing, this time aboard a glamorous cruise ship sailing the Nile. A newlywed couple’s honeymoon turns into murder, and every passenger suddenly becomes a suspect. What should be tense, claustrophobic, and suspenseful instead feels like a slow, glossy slideshow of actors standing in beautiful costumes against CGI backdrops while Branagh’s mustache solves the case.


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👤 Character Rundown

Hercule Poirot (Kenneth Branagh) – Once again, the star of his own show. The mustache gets almost as much screen time as the detective himself. Poirot comes across less like a quirky genius and more like someone who knows the plot already.

Linnet Ridgeway (Gal Gadot) – The glamorous socialite whose wealth paints a target on her back. Branagh films her like she’s in a perfume commercial, not a thriller.

Simon Doyle (Armie Hammer) – Her new husband, all charm and hidden cracks. You could tell the movie wanted him to ooze danger, but he feels oddly bland.

Jacqueline de Bellefort (Emma Mackey) – The scorned ex-lover, the most believable and emotionally raw performance in the whole ensemble. She at least gives the movie some spark.

The rest of the ensemble (Annette Bening, Letitia Wright, Russell Brand, Sophie Okonedo) – All talented, all underused. They spend most of their time looking suspicious, sipping champagne, or glaring at each other from across the deck.



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⏳ Pacing / Flow

Like Murder on the Orient Express, this movie takes forever to get going. Nearly an hour passes before we even get a body. That’s way too long for a supposed murder mystery. The pacing is sluggish, and while the Nile setting should feel exotic and tense, the heavy CGI often kills the immersion. It’s less sweaty paranoia on a boat and more Windows desktop background with expensive costumes.


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✅ Pros

The visuals are undeniably gorgeous — sweeping shots of the Nile, gold-tinted lighting, and immaculate set design. Even if the CGI is noticeable, the glamour works on a postcard level.

Jacqueline’s storyline is the most compelling — Emma Mackey injects real emotion into an otherwise hollow affair.

It’s slightly more watchable than Murder on the Orient Express, which felt even more bogged down and lifeless.



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❌ Cons

Poirot feels unrelatable. He doesn’t detect so much as monologue his way to the ending. We never root for him because he’s basically a walking solution.

The mystery itself is predictable and unexciting. Once the body drops, the “big twists” are obvious long before Poirot says them out loud.

Pacing is a slog. By the time the murder happens, you’re already restless.

Characters feel like caricatures. Wealthy archetypes glaring at each other is not the same as building tension.

Tries to be a grand, emotional story but never earns it. It wants gravitas and glamour but ends up hollow.



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💭 Final Thoughts

I’ll be real: this franchise has never fully appealed to me. Murder on the Orient Express was a slow burn to nowhere, and while Death on the Nile is marginally better, it’s still not gripping. It’s glossy, it’s lavish, but it’s not suspenseful. Ironically, it wasn’t until the third installment, A Haunting in Venice, that I finally felt invested in this series. That should tell you everything about how weak the first two entries are.


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⭐ Rating

6/10 – A step up from Murder on the Orient Express (which I’d rate lower), but still a hollow, predictable murder mystery that wastes its potential.


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⚠️ Spoiler Warning

From here on out, I’m diving into spoilers. Proceed at your own risk.


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🩸 Spoilers

The murder victim is Linnet Ridgeway (Gal Gadot), shot in her cabin. Her new husband Simon (Armie Hammer) and ex-fiancée Jacqueline (Emma Mackey) are revealed as co-conspirators in the crime. Jacqueline shoots Linnet, Simon stages his own alibi, and then they systematically eliminate witnesses. It’s a cold plan on paper, but onscreen it feels like Poirot simply connects dots the audience already guessed. There’s no thrill in the reveal, no “aha!” moment — just a flat confirmation of what we suspected an hour ago.

And then there’s the ending. Poirot unmasks the killers, Jacqueline kills Simon and herself in a murder-suicide, and everything deflates in a messy wrap-up. Instead of a sharp conclusion, we’re left with Branagh’s Poirot looking mournful as if the tragedy is profound when it mostly feels rushed and unsatisfying.

But the kicker? The final moment shows Poirot without his mustache, revealing it’s fake and that he has a scar above his lip. This feels like the setup for some grand backstory — maybe a new layer of his character, maybe something to carry into the next movie. And guess what? It goes absolutely nowhere. It’s never mentioned again. It’s just another example of this franchise throwing details at us without knowing what to do with them.


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👉 So yeah, Death on the Nile is prettier than Orient Express, but it’s still a hollow, predictable mystery where the most interesting twist is a mustache that doesn’t matter.