💥G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)🎬

“The toy commercial that accidentally wandered into a PG-13 fever dream” 🪖💥🐍

Let’s start by showing y’all the trailers, shall we?

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Non-Spoiler Rundown

If you thought G.I. Joe was going to be a light, fun, campy action flick for kids, 2009 Paramount had other plans — namely, traumatizing anyone under the age of 12. This is a movie that opens with a man (James McCullen, future Destro) getting a red-hot iron mask strapped to his face while his skin sizzles and he screams in agony. For kids, huh? Sure, Hasbro.

And just in case you thought that was a fluke, we later get our “heroes” — Duke (Channing Tatum), Ripcord (Marlon Wayans), and Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) — injecting giant needles into the head of a dead bad guy after a high-speed chase through London. As they try to extract info from his brain, the nanobots inside him go haywire, eating away at his flesh in real time. And someone thought this was the perfect moment for quips:

> Ripcord: “He’s alive!?”
Scarlett: “He can’t be alive! He’s got two-inch needles in his head!”
Ripcord: “Hey, dead guys don’t breakdance!”



Nope. Didn’t make it less horrifying. In fact I had nightmares for years from that scene.


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Characters & Actors

Duke (Channing Tatum) – Bland, generic lead soldier who walks around like he’s wondering why he signed the contract.

Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) – The comic relief, though “comic” is generous. He’s basically there to hit on Scarlett and yell one-liners in the middle of carnage.

Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) – Our redheaded combat genius who spends most of the film either being annoyed at Ripcord or explaining science at gunpoint.

Snake Eyes (Ray Park) – The silent ninja, except here he’s ruined by a bizarre, glossy mouth molded into his mask that looks like a cosplay accident.

Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) – Snake Eyes’ mortal enemy, who actually gets the better fight choreography in most of their clashes. Also yes I just realized this is the same actor who went on to play Frontman in Squid Games.

James McCullen / Destro (Christopher Eccleston) – Scottish arms dealer with a long family history of villainy. Ends up with a literal metal head.

Let’s talk about Christopher Eccleston for a minute, because my dude seems to hate every major role he’s ever landed. He’s on record saying he despised being in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, calling it beneath him. Okay, fine — the role wasn’t great, I’ll give him that. But the thing is, this isn’t the first (or last) time he’s done this. The guy was literally in Doctor Who (as the Doctor who helped revive the franchise), Thor: The Dark World (a Marvel villain, hello?), and G.I. Joe (a globally recognized toy brand turned blockbuster). That’s three different massive IPs most actors would kill to be part of. And yet after each one, Eccleston basically shrugs and says, “Eh, I hated it, the fans suck, it wasn’t worth my time.”

At a certain point, it doesn’t sound like bad luck with scripts anymore — it just comes off snobby. Like dude, if you hate every iconic role you land, maybe stop signing up for them. Because from the outside, it reads less like artistic integrity and more like a pattern of “I’ll take the paycheck, but then I’ll trash it later.” And honestly? That makes it hard to respect him, no matter how good of an actor he can be when he actually cares.


The Doctor (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) – A pale, burnt-looking mad scientist with an emo Snape haircut and a discount Bane mask that covers his whole neck. He talks like he’s allergic to normal human speech.

Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) – Master of disguise whose face gets altered for… plot reasons we’ll get to.


Oh, and yes — Brendan Fraser randomly pops up in a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo as a training sergeant.


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Robot—I Mean Character—Design Thoughts

This isn’t Transformers, but I gotta rant about Snake Eyes here. The glossy fake lips on his mask are nightmare fuel. In every other version, Snake Eyes’ mask is just a sleek black visor and fabric — mysterious and cool. Here, it’s like they were afraid kids wouldn’t recognize he’s human without molded plastic lips.

And don’t even get me started on The Doctor’s look. Imagine Snape after losing a fight with a barbecue grill, then raiding Hot Topic and welding a breathing mask to his neck. That’s the villain aesthetic we’re dealing with.


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Villain’s Plan

Destro and The Doctor are basically trying to sell nanobot warheads to the highest bidder, then use them to eat their way through major cities. It’s your standard “world domination but with extra body horror” setup.


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Pros ✅

The Paris chase sequence is genuinely fun and probably the only scene that fully feels like G.I. Joe.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is clearly having fun going full cartoon-villain mode.

Some of the tech designs are pure toy-commercial ridiculousness in the best way.



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Cons ❌

Wild tonal whiplash between “Saturday morning toy ad” and “horrifying war crime simulator.”

Snake Eyes’ mouth on the mask. Nope.

Destro’s final transformation looks like bad video game DLC.

The Doctor’s design is just… embarrassing. He looks like a mix between Snape and Bane but if they went to hot topic.

Forced humor during scenes that are way too gruesome to joke about.



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Final Thoughts

This movie is a strange beast. On one hand, it’s got the over-the-top fun you’d expect from a G.I. Joe adaptation. On the other, it’s got scenes that make you wonder if you accidentally wandered into a horror-thriller. It’s messy, tonally confused, and full of bizarre design choices — but it is watchable in a “I can’t believe this exists” kind of way.

Also, I never understood the hate for this film, I actually enjoyed this film a lot, I UniRonically love this film, yes Sue me.

Rating: 8/10


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Spoilers Ahead 🚨

Cobra Commander’s origin here is… undercooked, to say the least. We learn that The Doctor is actually Rex Lewis — Duke’s old friend who was supposedly killed in a mission years ago. Except he wasn’t killed, he was horrifically injured and “rescued” by McCullen, who helped him rebuild himself as a masked supervillain. The film tries to play it like a tragic fall, but it’s all so rushed that it barely lands.

Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow’s rivalry gets flashbacks: they were raised in the same ninja clan, Storm Shadow resented Snake Eyes for being the “favored” one, and this led to murder, betrayal, and decades of grudge matches.

After the MARS base goes up in flames, McCullen barely makes it out alive — but not without grotesque third-degree burns covering his face and neck. His skin is blackened, bubbled, and peeling, and every movement looks agonizing. The Doctor (Rex) drags him aboard the escape submarine, and once they’re safely away, he decides to “help” in the most horrifying way possible. Without hesitation, Rex injects McCullen in the neck with a dose of nanomites. These tiny machines instantly begin hardening his scorched skin into a seamless, unremovable metal mask, freezing his burns in place and transforming him into the cold, steel-faced Destro. It’s a sequence that blends comic-book supervillain flair with genuine body horror — and for a movie marketed alongside action figures, it’s shockingly disturbing.

By the end, Destro gets his metal mask permanently fused to his head, Cobra Commander gets his name drop, and the Joes barely avert global nanobot destruction.

Zartan’s subplot is pure setup for the sequel: after being captured, he’s subjected to a nanomite procedure that alters his face and voice. In the final scene, we learn he’s been transformed into the President of the United States, played by Jonathan Pryce (a.k.a. Governor Weatherby Swann from Pirates of the Caribbean).

Que end credits song that’s by the Black Eye Peas, yes u heard that correctly.