G.I. Joe Retaliation (2013)

💥G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)💥

The One With Bruce Willis (and The Rock Before He Started Tanking His Career) 🎖️💥

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Let’s start by showing y’all the trailers, shall we? 🎥🍿

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Non-Spoiler Review

This isn’t exactly a sequel to Rise of Cobra. Sure, it’s technically in the same continuity, but it feels more like Paramount quietly said, “Okay, we screwed that first one up — let’s just pretend parts of it didn’t happen,” and moved on. We open with Channing Tatum back as Duke… for about five minutes. Blink and you’ll miss him because, spoiler-but-not-really, he gets Top Gun’d early on and never comes back.

The focus shifts to The Rock as Roadblock — back when Dwayne Johnson was still picking roles that didn’t involve him in a jungle wearing beige. Alongside him, we’ve got Flint (D.J. Cotrona), Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), and Snake Eyes (Ray Park returning, thank God) who FINALLY looks like Snake Eyes is supposed to look — no weird molded lips, just the sleek black ninja commando design fans actually wanted the first time.

On the villain side, Cobra Commander actually gets a major glow-up. Gone is the goofy transparent scuba helmet from Rise of Cobra. Now? We’ve got a sleek, black leather trench coat, a properly menacing chrome faceplate, and an overall design that feels like a blend of classic cartoon accuracy and modern intimidation. He finally looks like someone who could lead a global terrorist organization, not someone who wandered in from a rejected Power Rangers villain lineup.

The plot is straightforward: Zartan is still impersonating the U.S. President, Cobra has a new evil plan involving orbital death satellites, and the Joes are framed as traitors, leaving only a handful alive. From there, it’s about clearing their names, stopping Cobra’s plan, and in the middle of it all, we get ninjas fighting on the side of a cliff with zip-lines because why not.

And let’s talk about the whiplash of Cobra Commander’s rise. In Rise of Cobra, he barely earns the title — he’s just getting locked into that goofy fishbowl mask at the very end before being hauled straight to prison. Dude wasn’t “running Cobra,” he was running his mouth for maybe an hour before the credits rolled.

But in Retaliation? Suddenly he’s back in full force, commanding armies, satellites, and soldiers who bow down like he’s been the legendary supreme leader for decades. One guy even says, “It’s good to have you back, boss.”

…Back? BACK?! He never actually was the boss. He got arrested before he even got his first evil paycheck. It’s like the filmmakers just skipped three missing movies where he somehow built Cobra into a global terror empire overnight.

So yeah, Cobra Commander goes from rookie villain to Fortune 500 CEO of Evil with zero explanation. Lazy continuity, but hey — at least he finally got a wardrobe upgrade.

Oh, and Bruce Willis pops up as the original G.I. Joe, Joseph Colton. He’s there to lend guns, smirks, and Bruce Willis energy — back when he still cared enough to have fun on screen.

Character & Actor Rundown

🟢 The Joes (Heroes)

Roadblock – Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
The new face of the Joes after Duke gets taken out early. Roadblock is basically The Rock playing The Rock with a machine gun — tough, loyal, family-man vibes, and the guy who rallies the team when everything goes to hell.

Duke – Channing Tatum
He’s back from Rise of Cobra… briefly. Duke dies very early in the movie (reportedly because Channing Tatum didn’t want to keep doing these films). He does have a few buddy-buddy moments with Roadblock before eating dirt.

Flint – D.J. Cotrona
Young hotshot Joe who’s reckless but skilled. He’s supposed to be the team’s “next-gen leader,” but honestly? He’s pretty bland compared to Roadblock.

Lady Jaye – Adrianne Palicki
The brains and undercover expert of the squad. She’s competent, gets a subplot about proving herself in a male-dominated military, and does most of the infiltration work.

Snake Eyes – Ray Park
The mute, masked ninja back again — and this time, his design is much closer to the classic look (no weird lips on the mask like the first movie). Badass in every fight scene, as expected.

Jinx – Élodie Yung
Snake Eyes’ apprentice/partner who joins the team. Agile, deadly, and gets her fair share of ninja action sequences.

General Joseph Colton – Bruce Willis
The original G.I. Joe himself. Basically brought in for star power, Bruce Willis plays him like… Bruce Willis. Wise old veteran who helps arm the team for their final mission.

Wait… Walton Goggins?? 🤯
Hold up, nobody told me Walton Goggins was in this movie! This man is like cinematic hot sauce—throw him into anything and he makes it instantly more flavorful. He shows up here as the warden of a high-security prison, and for a hot second, I thought the movie was about to get interesting. The problem? He’s criminally underused. Walton freakin’ Goggins could sell me on watching paint dry, and here they stick him in a glorified cameo. What a waste.

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🔴 The Villains (Cobra)

Cobra Commander – Luke Bracey (voice by Robert Baker)
Finally upgraded from the goofy look in Rise of Cobra. Here he’s masked in a sleek, modernized helmet with a black trench coat — a far more intimidating presence. He spends most of the film orchestrating Cobra’s rise to global dominance.

Rex / Cobra Commander Arc

In Rise of Cobra, Rex is a mess of a character. They tried to make him this “tragic fallen friend” of Duke, but the logic never tracks. His motivations are paper-thin—“the bomb fell early, nanobots are cool, I hate Duke now”—and his actions toward his sister completely nuke any shred of sympathy. Faking your death, sneaking into her room, and literally injecting her with brainwashing nanobots isn’t love, it’s cartoon villainy dressed up as tragedy. He was supposed to be complex, but instead he came off hypocritical and creepy.

But by the time Retaliation rolled around, the franchise finally figured it out: stop pretending Rex is sympathetic, slap the mask on, and just let him be Cobra Commander. No more whiny backstory, no more fake tears—just full-blown, unapologetic villainy. And you know what? It worked. Once he leaned into the camp, he finally felt like the Cobra Commander fans actually wanted.

Zartan – Arnold Vosloo
Still impersonating the U.S. President (Jonathan Pryce). He uses this position to set Cobra up as the dominant world power. Zartan is sneaky and manipulative, and he’s behind a lot of the world chaos in this film.

Storm Shadow – Byung-hun Lee
Snake Eyes’ rival who gets more depth here. We learn he was framed as a child for killing his master (by Zartan), which pushed him to Cobra. He eventually switches sides to help Snake Eyes get revenge. Also yes I just realized this is the same actor who went on to play Frontman in Squid Games.

Firefly – Ray Stevenson
A new Cobra mercenary/villain, and one of the standouts. He’s got a grizzled demeanor, loves explosives (as his name implies), and fights Roadblock in the final showdown.

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🟡 Supporting/Other Characters

President of the United States – Jonathan Pryce
(Actually Zartan in disguise for most of the film). Chews scenery hard, especially when he’s gloating about world domination at a global summit.

Blind Master – RZA
Snake Eyes and Jinx’s ninja master. Yeah, you read that right — RZA from Wu-Tang Clan is in this movie, spouting mystical wisdom.

Storm Shadow’s Master (Flashback)
The one murdered in Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow’s shared backstory, whose death shaped both of their paths.

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Pros ✅

Snake Eyes actually looks like Snake Eyes this time. No awkward sculpted mouth, just clean, accurate design.

Cobra Commander’s new design is menacing, sleek, and modern without losing the original vibe.

The Rock brings energy and presence, keeping the movie from dragging.

The zip-line cliff ninja battle? Absolutely ridiculous, but undeniably fun to watch.

Cobra’s plan, while cartoonish, actually feels threatening.

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Cons ❌

Destro? Gone. Just… gone. No explanation other than Cobra Commander basically saying, “Yeah, we left him behind.”

Channing Tatum’s Duke gets killed off so fast it’s almost comedic — especially after all the marketing made it look like he’d be a main character again.

The tone flip-flops between gritty military action and Saturday morning cartoon logic.

Zartan still being President stretches believability after… however long it’s been since the first movie.

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Final Thoughts 💭

This is a better film than Rise of Cobra, no doubt. It trims a lot of the cartoonish excess, ditches the plastic-looking costumes, and finally gives some fan-favorite characters the designs they deserve. But it’s still campy, still absurd, and still very much a G.I. Joe movie where physics take the day off.

Still, if you want to see Cobra Commander actually look scary, Snake Eyes done right, and The Rock doing his thing before his career entered “I only do jungle movies” mode, this one’s worth it.

Also, I figure this needs to be pointed out, this film compared to the first film really has no moment that sticks out, unlike the first film which had some graphic intense moments that can never leave ur head.

Rating: 7/10 🎯

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Spoilers Ahead 🚨

So, that Zartan twist from Rise of Cobra? They actually expand on it here. We find out he didn’t just infiltrate the White House — years earlier, he framed Storm Shadow for murdering their master. How? By disguising himself as an elder man, befriending Storm Shadow as a child, forging a sword to look like Storm Shadow’s, and using it to kill their mentor. Storm Shadow was exiled and grew up resentful, which led him to join Cobra in the first place.

In this movie, Snake Eyes captures Storm Shadow to finally answer for his crimes… only to discover the truth. The two put their bad blood aside to take down Zartan. In the end, Storm Shadow gets his revenge, stabbing Zartan and finally avenging his master.

Meanwhile, Cobra’s big evil plan involves launching satellites armed with tungsten rods capable of wiping cities off the map. They destroy London (sorry, London) as a show of force, and it’s up to the surviving Joes to infiltrate and stop them. Naturally, there’s plenty of explosions, ridiculous set pieces, and last-minute saves.

Cobra Commander? He escapes in the end, because of course he does — franchise villains don’t die when there’s potential for another sequel.

And finally, the movie wraps up with Joseph Colton (Bruce Willis) presenting the surviving Joes with medals for their service — and gifting Roadblock (The Rock) his own personal gun. Because nothing says “job well done” like handing your comrade a firearm in front of the U.S. flag. 🇺🇸🔫

Oh and que end credits song which is How You Like Me Now, by The Heavy!