The Snowman (2017)

WARNING: This film is rated R for strong gore, violence, and language. Viewer discretion is advised.

Spoiler Alert: This review contains full spoilers. You’ve been warned. Proceed at your own risk. ⚠️

My Rating: -2/10. Yes, that’s a negative score. This film somehow owes me points.

Since this is a Universal film, Y’all know what that means? Cue the Universal Logo!

Alright, so let me be up front: this may very well be the worst film I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And no, this isn’t a twisted Christmas special. This isn’t Frosty the Snowman: Cold Blooded. It’s a 2017 crime thriller, set in snowy Norway, where a detective investigates a series of murders committed by a killer known as… the Snowman. Yes. You read that right. The killer’s calling card is literally building a snowman at the crime scene. Chilling, right? (Spoiler: it’s not.)

Before we even get into the plot—if you can call it that—we need to address the behind-the-scenes disaster. When Universal greenlit this movie, they didn’t get around to funding it for months. By the time they finally scraped the money together and sent it to the director, production was already behind. So what did they do? They rushed filming.

Director Tomas Alfredson later admitted they didn’t get to shoot 15–20% of the film. That’s right—up to a fifth of the movie was never filmed. They just… didn’t do it. What was released in theaters is basically the film equivalent of a half-baked cake with the middle still raw. Imagine releasing a game with 20% missing—oh wait, Cyberpunk 2077 did that. So maybe all this movie needed was a few patch notes and updates, right?

Oh wait. This is a movie. No patches. No DLC. No Day One hotfix. We just got the broken mess straight out the gate.

Now let’s talk about editing. And by “editing,” I mean the random scene-shuffling, weird ADR, and transitions so jarring you’d think the film was being edited with a snow shovel.

For example, there’s a scene where our two detectives leave a house in broad daylight. They drive for like… twenty minutes, get a phone call, and rush back. Somehow it’s suddenly night. Did they drive through a time vortex? Did they hit a wormhole in downtown Oslo? Nope. Just bad editing.

This movie has a dream cast: Michael Fassbender, Rebecca Ferguson, J.K. Simmons, Toby Jones, and Val Kilmer. But even this talented group couldn’t save the sinking snowplow. Fassbender plays Detective Harry Hole (yes, that’s his actual name). He’s a legendary detective—at least, that’s what the script tells us. We never see him being brilliant. We just watch him stumble around drunk, forget appointments, and stare blankly at his ex through windows like he’s auditioning for a role in Creepy Ex 2: Frostbite Boogaloo.

The rest of the characters? Equally baffling. Harry’s boss constantly defends him, even when he misses major meetings. Why? “Because he’s a great detective!” Sure, and I’m the Queen of England.

And don’t even get me started on the Snowman Killer. The guy leaves creepy notes addressed to “Mr. Police” with childlike snowman drawings. This was seriously the poster image. I guess nothing screams serial killer like a lumpy snowman with twig arms.

Also, poor editing strikes again—one character (Sylvia) is found alive after a distress call. The cops leave. She’s killed two minutes later. The cops get another call, come back—now it’s nighttime—and are told by a random woman, “Oh, I’m her twin sister.” Who was never mentioned before. Ever. What a plot twist, huh? Straight outta nowhere like an RKO.

Another subplot: a missing woman and her young daughter are forgotten by the script. The woman’s disappearance is never solved. The daughter? Left alone in the house by the detectives. Real top-tier policing.

Oh, and remember J.K. Simmons’ character? He’s introduced as a wealthy playboy and potential suspect. Then the film casually makes him a sex trafficker… and drops it. He’s never arrested. Never mentioned again. Just poof—gone like snow in July.

Now let’s talk about Val Kilmer. He plays a detective in flashbacks, but due to his throat cancer at the time, they dubbed his voice. The dub is so off it’s like watching a bad anime from the ’90s. Also, these flashbacks take place 10 years earlier, but no one looks different. Toby Jones has the same hair, same face, same everything. Did no one think to give someone a wig? A beard? A different shirt? Nope. Just the same timeline with different lighting.

Speaking of logic—let’s talk suicide staging. The killer blows off Kilmer’s head with a shotgun, props him up, and somehow convinces everyone it was a suicide. Really? You expect me to believe this man held a shotgun to his own head and pulled the trigger with perfect aim? With no trace of recoil? Either the cops in this universe are morons or the shotgun came with a user manual.

Oh, and the snowman motif? Laughable. One murder has a severed head on a snowman. Another has a frowny face. The rest? Just regular snowmen. So what’s the symbolism? That he had time to murder and build a snowman at every crime scene? Dude had a schedule.

Eventually, we learn the killer is… Mathias. That’s right, Harry’s ex’s new husband. Who’s also his son’s stepdad. Surprise! His backstory? He saw his mom get abused by his uncle, ran away, then watched her drown under ice. So he becomes a serial killer of unfaithful women. Wait… what? Shouldn’t he hate the uncle? How did this logic turn into “kill unfaithful wives”? In the book, his motive actually makes sense. In the movie? Not even close.

Now we get to the climax. Mathias kidnaps Harry’s ex and her son. He rigs a wire to decapitate her. Then in a 3-second sequence, the boy kicks the table, hits the fridge, Harry gets up, puts his hand between the wire and her neck, loses a finger, and saves the day. All in three seconds. You blink, you miss it. You don’t blink, and you’re still confused.

The film ends with Mathias running onto thin ice, falling in, and drowning. Just like his mom. Not killed by the hero. Just… whoops, slip, splash, gone. The movie then ends with Harry taking a new case like nothing happened.

And that’s The Snowman, folks.

Terrible dubbing. Atrocious editing. Unfinished scenes. Nonsensical subplots. Completely baffling logic. This film should’ve been buried in the snow and forgotten.

Avoid this movie like black ice. I’m giving it a solid -2/10. Yes, negative. That’s how broken this movie is.